deepundergroundpoetry.com
the king,the slave and the merchant cont.......
i met an old man on a train
who told a tale of a king a slave and a merchant
his service of the queen
black butterflies swarmed with his every breath
i cracked a slight smile as to signify we were on the same side
things change but they don't get better i replied
i have not spoke to someone this insightful
since the last time i died
everybody wants to be king
and the slave wishes he owned some
the merchant fares well
on the next purchase
heavy is the head
he produced an old tobacco pouch and asked that i aid him in a roll
i nodded just slightly
murking through old memories of helping my cancerous father with his fix
it's all a circle
the castle has crumbled he murmered
when he told me of his destination and plans
to walk into the ocean never to return i chuckled
not to minimize or look down upon his intentions
only to acknowledge the coincidence of having dreams about it myself
we juggled around a while with wartime jargon
we spoke more in minnesota
before darkness and it's ever presence
snuck back in
the lights flicker faster then a humming bird in utah
but right on time with the engine
now we know
niether of us have any friends
both of us are tired and drinking again
for now some deregotory terms for women and their fallacies
our exploits and how they still sometimes hurt
the way things one day were
after a brief break for a sandwich i commented on his shirt
feeling compelled to speak and perplexed
what am i suppost say next?
why is there some unspeakable reason why we always need to speak?
he seemed content so i napped for a while.
i always figure things out in my sleep.....................
who told a tale of a king a slave and a merchant
his service of the queen
black butterflies swarmed with his every breath
i cracked a slight smile as to signify we were on the same side
things change but they don't get better i replied
i have not spoke to someone this insightful
since the last time i died
everybody wants to be king
and the slave wishes he owned some
the merchant fares well
on the next purchase
heavy is the head
he produced an old tobacco pouch and asked that i aid him in a roll
i nodded just slightly
murking through old memories of helping my cancerous father with his fix
it's all a circle
the castle has crumbled he murmered
when he told me of his destination and plans
to walk into the ocean never to return i chuckled
not to minimize or look down upon his intentions
only to acknowledge the coincidence of having dreams about it myself
we juggled around a while with wartime jargon
we spoke more in minnesota
before darkness and it's ever presence
snuck back in
the lights flicker faster then a humming bird in utah
but right on time with the engine
now we know
niether of us have any friends
both of us are tired and drinking again
for now some deregotory terms for women and their fallacies
our exploits and how they still sometimes hurt
the way things one day were
after a brief break for a sandwich i commented on his shirt
feeling compelled to speak and perplexed
what am i suppost say next?
why is there some unspeakable reason why we always need to speak?
he seemed content so i napped for a while.
i always figure things out in my sleep.....................
Published 30th Oct 2012
| Edited 8th Mar 2013
All writing remains the property of the author. Don't use it for any purpose without their permission.
likes 4
reading list entries 0
comments 6
reads 684
Commenting Preference:
The author encourages honest critique.
30th Oct 2012 8:34pm
This is a great write unique and well written, for some reason it reminded me of Tom Waits, I loved it
30th Oct 2012 10:34pm
24th Nov 2012 00:36am
This is so deep and full of many to and fro moments, where our minds run riot when faced with a muse, a character...trains always seem to have one...seems part and parcel... i really love this as it made me think of my dad whos a total character... loved two lines ...everybody wants to be king and the slave wishes he owned some...fabulous and..... the lights flicker faster then a humming bird in utah ...thanks for sharing...s1
24th Nov 2012 1:09am
13th Feb 2013 5:32pm
Ok, Jon, I quite like this even though it's ugly to look at. It's just a little raw.
When I is written, it must always be capitalised, but that's not important. What's more important is the line breaks here, and the length of lines. When you're writing long lines it's wise to use commas so the reader can pause and think.
I met an old man on a train, he told a tale of a king, a slave and a merchant.
His service to the queen.
Black butterflies swarmed from each breath.
I cracked a slight smile, to signify we were on the same side.
I changed the language slightly because nobody would talk how it was written. I'd probably cut that first line because it's too long.
I think a bit more of a description of the man would work well. Stand out physical features, mannerisms and such. It's subtle, but much preferred to your normal style which works a lot on word play but not painting a picture like this one does.
When I is written, it must always be capitalised, but that's not important. What's more important is the line breaks here, and the length of lines. When you're writing long lines it's wise to use commas so the reader can pause and think.
I met an old man on a train, he told a tale of a king, a slave and a merchant.
His service to the queen.
Black butterflies swarmed from each breath.
I cracked a slight smile, to signify we were on the same side.
I changed the language slightly because nobody would talk how it was written. I'd probably cut that first line because it's too long.
I think a bit more of a description of the man would work well. Stand out physical features, mannerisms and such. It's subtle, but much preferred to your normal style which works a lot on word play but not painting a picture like this one does.
14th Feb 2013 1:46pm
