Cheer Leaders Are Onto Something

With everything going on
somehow I find it easier
to slip out of my depressive state
and plaster on a big smile
painted with a laugh.
Never digging deep enough in my head
to find the terrible pain
just lying flat
on the surface of quicksand.
Focusing on the little things.
My outfit
is it cute?
is it pretty?
(does it hide my scars?)
My work
is it done?
is it good?
(does it sound like I care?)
My music
is it on?
can it keep me away from the void?
It's the little things that make me shallow enough
to never dive deeper into the pain.
No writing because then
it would open that floodgate.
Too many things I don't want to deal with.
Not now not ever.
If I stay this shallow
I could start waving pom-poms
and popping pink bubble gum.
Whatever keeps my mind off
the broken heart in my pocket.
I can't bear to wear it anymore.
This right here is killing me.
Remembering and forgetting at the same time.
Writing down my amnesia
bringing back the trauma.
But i can't stop yet
because I have to tell you.
I have to tell you about the pain i'm in to save you.
So you never have to suffer through a day with your heart spurting blood on everyone.
(no wonder they avoid me)
So you know
when everthing hurts too much to bear
put it in that little zip-lock bag in your head
and freeze it
forever.
(will i ever let it thaw?)