Pickles & Puke  part 2

Here's what I do remember about this particular rape.

I remember thinking I was drowning in the wine. I was crying and hearing my fathers voice. God How I HATED his voice.
I remember grunting noises and gross terrible sounds, but I couldn't tell where they were coming from.

I remember waking on my bed, having no idea where I was or what had happened. My eyes opened to a puke and shit filled sheet, a strong vinegar smell and pickle seeds everywhere. My shit was all over me as if I had been rolling in it.

My father was nowhere around and I just kept crying, puking and shitting all at the same time. Years later I would learn that I'd had alcohol poisoning, and could of died from drinking so much, so fast.

Next thing I remembered, was me falling down and my naked, drunk and disgusting father helping me up. I remember hitting my head in the shower and falling down.

I remember realizing I was naked. OH GOD, PLEASE save me.
I remember my father holding me up in the shower while he sang to me as he washed the shit and puke off of me because I couldn't seem to stand. I HATE HIS VOICE

I remember laughing as I fell out of the shower onto my back
and thinking irrationally that mama would be mad because I used her good towels.

I remember waking up in my bed again. It must of been the next morning, just me and the shits. The Flu had been much worse than I had thought cause I felt like I was dying. I couldn't move, had a horrible headache and felt as if I'd been run over.

Then the flashes thru my mind of pickles. I even thought I could taste them. Flashes of purple wine. Was it a dream? Please let it be a dream.

I've never been able to eat one of my mothers homeade pickles again. I wondered what else my father would take from me.

I didn't realize until I got up and looked in the mirror that I did indeed have pickle seeds in my hair and bruises all over me the size of baseballs. My sheets were clean and so was I.

Scenes of the shower party went thru my mind, and and made me so sick that I wretched. My lip was split open and twice it's normal size. I was horrified to see the bruises all over my arms, legs, back, stomach and my butt. There were huge knots all over my head.

I wondered where my mother was. And, where was she yesterday when all this was happening. Like "where the hell were you mother, while all this shit was happening to me."

I looked in the mirror and saw how dirty, and ugly I was. I couldn't let anyone see me.

Hide them! Hide me! Hate me! Hate life! What's happening to me, I wondered. And I couldn't quit crying. I was so sad, I was sure I wouldn't live thru such sadness. No one could.

I wondered what I had ever done to deserve this.

No one could ever know about my useless, disgusting, ugly life and family. No one would understand. I'll be a hated, a freak. Just a stupid, redheaded, ugly freak.

I couldn't let anyone know just how dirty I was and how much I hated myself. I pounded on myself with my fists crying "no more, no more, no more."

And then I realized what I had to do. I would make sure I never had to go thru this again. Suicidal thoughts made me happy again. There was no way out for me except death, no other way to stop my father. This horror I called my life would just keep going on forever and death seemed sweet at the time.

I lay on my bed crying until I had nothing left. I wanted death like I had wanted nothing else before in my life.

As I lay on my bed drained, I realized that I couldn't remember what my dad had done to me when I was drunk. I couldn't remember a thing about the gross things except  for the bruises, the pickle seeds in my hair and the poop. Some gross noises, falling in the shower and that was it. Nothing about the rape. Nada.

And then the realization that either God or the devil had answered my prayers. OH MY GOD. I had finally found a way to get rid of all pain and unwanted memories. And all I had to do was drink. I had been dabbling with weed and other stuff but nothing compared to the alcohol.

Joy and happiness replaced the hopelessness that was there only moments before and I lay on my bad and laughed like a maniac. I believe I might not have been totally sane at the time.

Sweet Victory. Another battle won by me against my father. Thanks so much for teaching  me with your OH SO infinite wisdom daddy dear. I would gladly get bruised and battered every day over the alternative. I would show my sisters the joys of alcohol and save them from their pain too.

Maybe life could be worth living. Maybe I could go on.

This was the true turning point in my life, the last of my innocence gone. I was done with God and My mother forever. Too tired to wait any longer for them to help us.

When I think back to all the things I was trying to forget with my drugs and alcohol, I realize there are some things I would never forget.

I would never forget how someone could look you in the eyes, say how much they love you, and destroy every reason you have for living. And smiling the whole time.

I would never forget what it was like going to sleep and waking to a pillow over my face, smothering me until I passed out.


I will never forget the sound of innocence dying, nor all the years it took to kill it.

I would never forget waiting for God to save me, waiting for God to wake up, and unanswered prayers. Thousands of them.

I would never forget the day I gave up on God, my mother and myself.
I would never forget the taste of swallowed vomit.

Or the smell of my sweet rabbits blood as my father forced me to bash it to death with a pipe and then eat it.

I would never forget the sound of fear, the sound of underware snapping, or the fear of camping trips and car rides with my father.

I would never forget how worthless, dirty and ugly I was.

On this day I realized no one would ever help my siblings or I . we were on our own, all alone, us against the evil that lived inside our home.

On this day, I knew my life had changed forever.

As I lay on my bed laughing and crying at the same time, I wondered how my life had ever gotten this crazy.