deepundergroundpoetry.com
Wasteland
There's a quiet tide over Gainsville
A red night sun over the window sill
Just before the missile hits from the town rear
We realize that it's nuclear
First the puff, then smoke
Fragments that infiltrate and poke
Everyone that's still hiding, ain't
Noses bleed whilst children faint
There's an eerie silence
A teen screams for decadence
PunK Goth slur Adare
AnYthing better than nUclear
The wasteland is zoned off now
Army came round and fenced off, that's how
That's how the fucking desert got it's name
Gainesville nuked into the history book of fame
The goths now run the show
Their leader Adare know
The day a nuke by hand
Was delivered to this Wasteland
A red night sun over the window sill
Just before the missile hits from the town rear
We realize that it's nuclear
First the puff, then smoke
Fragments that infiltrate and poke
Everyone that's still hiding, ain't
Noses bleed whilst children faint
There's an eerie silence
A teen screams for decadence
PunK Goth slur Adare
AnYthing better than nUclear
The wasteland is zoned off now
Army came round and fenced off, that's how
That's how the fucking desert got it's name
Gainesville nuked into the history book of fame
The goths now run the show
Their leader Adare know
The day a nuke by hand
Was delivered to this Wasteland
Published 8th Oct 2012
| Edited 10th Oct 2012
All writing remains the property of the author. Don't use it for any purpose without their permission.
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The author encourages honest critique.
9th Oct 2012 11:49pm
I really like the whole idea behind this. It is really intriguing. I really like the first and last lines. They really stick out to me.
I think it may read better if in the third stanza, the final line read "Gainsville nuked into the history book of fame." Just seems to run long otherwise.
Maybe you could place the first couple stanzas in past tense, and then have the last two in present tense. To create a sense of the past being analyzed. But it works fine in the current form. Other then that just read through it a couple of times and make sure that it reads smoothly and that there are no errors. I think you meant the third line from the bottom to read "Their leader Adare knows."
Keep working at this. It has a lot of potential. Make sure to post any results.
I think it may read better if in the third stanza, the final line read "Gainsville nuked into the history book of fame." Just seems to run long otherwise.
Maybe you could place the first couple stanzas in past tense, and then have the last two in present tense. To create a sense of the past being analyzed. But it works fine in the current form. Other then that just read through it a couple of times and make sure that it reads smoothly and that there are no errors. I think you meant the third line from the bottom to read "Their leader Adare knows."
Keep working at this. It has a lot of potential. Make sure to post any results.
10th Oct 2012 00:23am
I thought that sentence was too long
But I got lazy and left it, thanks for
yr help on that one!!
I'll see if anyone else reads
Ive written maybe 1800 poems
I have a 100 fav
Wasteland is one
And so yr feedback helped!!
Thanks for your time!
I went on your site
You are a very good writer
I was trying to post a comment
Couldn't see how
Kind rgs
Ricecake
But I got lazy and left it, thanks for
yr help on that one!!
I'll see if anyone else reads
Ive written maybe 1800 poems
I have a 100 fav
Wasteland is one
And so yr feedback helped!!
Thanks for your time!
I went on your site
You are a very good writer
I was trying to post a comment
Couldn't see how
Kind rgs
Ricecake
