deepundergroundpoetry.com
Goodbye
I don't know what to do.
I'm so lost and confused.
Take this life from me.
I feel so empty.
This is why I walk in the rain,
So no one sees the pain
And tears my eyes hide.
Too many times I have lied,
Hurting the people I'm close to.
This is my goodbye to you.
I'm so lost and confused.
Take this life from me.
I feel so empty.
This is why I walk in the rain,
So no one sees the pain
And tears my eyes hide.
Too many times I have lied,
Hurting the people I'm close to.
This is my goodbye to you.
Published 3rd Oct 2012
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The author encourages honest critique.
1st Aug 2014 6:48pm
Excellent depth in this poem. Great job. However, if I had to tell you one thing you could do a little better, your rhyming was great, but there are little things you can do to make it even better. I suggest you do a syllable count on each line, and make sure it has the same number as the line it rhymes with (or at least as close to as possible). For instance, the line "This is why I walk in the rain," has eight syllables while the line it rhymes with, "So no one sees the pain," has only six. While I don't see a way to increase the second line to eight syllables, you could come closer by changing it to, "So THAT no one sees the pain." Does that make sense? Just trying to give some friendly advice, please take no offense.
