deepundergroundpoetry.com
Insomnia
The last time
I slid out of slumber
was around three days ago,
I've yet to tire
but the time's been taking its toll
I've spent endless eons
traversing the mires
and mountains
that make up my mind
I'm not sure what I'm looking for
or what I might find
as I continue to explore lands
lost across barren wastelands,
untold expanses of emptiness
My search has sent me South
into the slums
of my soul
inhabited by my doubts
and maniacal musings
While navigating the alleys
I've stared off
against a selection of shadows
born of sin and sorrow
They forever collect
in the countless corners
of my cranium,
building the foundations
for castles forged in fear
and forts born
of chaos and corruption
From there I continue
to delve into the depths
of my dark, depraved disease,
a cureless cancer
that refuses to be removed
It's a sickness I'm sure
that I share with,
quite probably,
the whole of humanity
One that requires sentience
and has aligned itself with us
physically manifesting
through the socially acceptable 'sins'
of the elite in each era
I don't judge anyone or thing
'it', is the darker limbs of this,
the finding it acceptable to do and think things
that have forever held the mantel
of society's fear and scorn...
...
This insane insight
into the inner-workings
of my sleep-deprived self
is a twisted caricature
of my day-to-day thoughts
It's kept close to the truth
of my typically troubled mind
only serving to add the spice
of a confused, rambling,
oft-times nonsensical reel
of painfully extracted prattle
to the forever bubbling brew
that is my brain stew
It's a dark,
or otherwise hysterical,
parody of me
lacking in almost any form of judgment
beyond a muffled whisper
put out to pasture
exiled to the outer reaches
of my mind
A voice dished the duty
of divining reason in the chaos
with only a,
to begin with faulty, reference point
to tease out the truth.
I slid out of slumber
was around three days ago,
I've yet to tire
but the time's been taking its toll
I've spent endless eons
traversing the mires
and mountains
that make up my mind
I'm not sure what I'm looking for
or what I might find
as I continue to explore lands
lost across barren wastelands,
untold expanses of emptiness
My search has sent me South
into the slums
of my soul
inhabited by my doubts
and maniacal musings
While navigating the alleys
I've stared off
against a selection of shadows
born of sin and sorrow
They forever collect
in the countless corners
of my cranium,
building the foundations
for castles forged in fear
and forts born
of chaos and corruption
From there I continue
to delve into the depths
of my dark, depraved disease,
a cureless cancer
that refuses to be removed
It's a sickness I'm sure
that I share with,
quite probably,
the whole of humanity
One that requires sentience
and has aligned itself with us
physically manifesting
through the socially acceptable 'sins'
of the elite in each era
I don't judge anyone or thing
'it', is the darker limbs of this,
the finding it acceptable to do and think things
that have forever held the mantel
of society's fear and scorn...
...
This insane insight
into the inner-workings
of my sleep-deprived self
is a twisted caricature
of my day-to-day thoughts
It's kept close to the truth
of my typically troubled mind
only serving to add the spice
of a confused, rambling,
oft-times nonsensical reel
of painfully extracted prattle
to the forever bubbling brew
that is my brain stew
It's a dark,
or otherwise hysterical,
parody of me
lacking in almost any form of judgment
beyond a muffled whisper
put out to pasture
exiled to the outer reaches
of my mind
A voice dished the duty
of divining reason in the chaos
with only a,
to begin with faulty, reference point
to tease out the truth.
Published 3rd Oct 2012
| Edited 19th Mar 2013
All writing remains the property of the author. Don't use it for any purpose without their permission.
likes 6
reading list entries 2
comments 13
reads 1632
Commenting Preference:
The author encourages honest critique.
3rd Oct 2012 10:43am
Alternative titles I was thinking of were:
'My Own Brand of Insanity'
Or:
'Neurotic Ramblings'
'My Own Brand of Insanity'
Or:
'Neurotic Ramblings'
3rd Oct 2012 10:58am
3rd Oct 2012 1:41pm
3rd Oct 2012 12:08pm
3rd Oct 2012 1:41pm
3rd Oct 2012 4:28pm
duncan
okay. let's get to it man.
"The last time
I slid out of slumber
was around three days ago,
I've yet to tire
but the time's been taking it's toll
['out of' signifies waking up. is that what you meant?
it's. no apostrophe.]
I've spent endless hours,
or was that eons,
wandering the mires
and mountains
that make up my mind
[first two sentences don't pack a punch IMO.
the bridge between hours and eons.
wander needs something. may be, across.
mires and mountains. add something to the
imagery. make it complete. ]
I'm not sure what I'm looking for
or what I might find
as I continue to explore lands
lost across awe-inspiring
expanses of emptiness
['awe-inspiring' does not belong here. i feel so. i hate the vanity it has associated along with it. here, we are dealing big. find an alternative. or change the structure to have the adjectives in the end.]
My search has sent me South
into the slums
of my soul
where I've stared off
against the shadows
born of sin and sorrow
[why the cap?
how about 'gutter'?
slums signify inhabitants. if you stick with slum, that needs some addition. just me.]
They forever collect
in the countless corners
of my cranium's canvas,
building the foundations
of forts of pure fear
and castles
of chaos and corruption
[canvas seems redundant. its two dimensional.
somehow week. hope i am making sense.
alliteration. a little too much, i feel.
a second sitting with this one.]
From there I continued
to delve into the depths
of my dark, depraved disease,
a cureless cancer
that can't be cut out
[continue. present tense.
'cut out' can be replaced.]
It's a sickness I'm sure
that I share with,
quite probably,
the whole of humanity,
to one extent or another
One that requires sentience
and has aligned itself with us
physically manifesting,
in one form or another,
through the socially acceptable 'sins'
of the elite in each era
I don't judge anyone or thing
and 'it', is the darker limbs of this,
'it', is the finding it acceptable to do things
that are forever the object
of society's fear and scorn...
...
This insane insight
into the inner-workings
of my sleep-deprived self
is a twisted caricature
of my day-to-day thoughts
It's kept close to the truth
of my typically troubled mind
only serving to intersperse it with
a confused, rambling,
oft-times nonsensical reel
of painfully extracted prattle
It's a dark,
or otherwise hysterical,
parody of me
lacking in almost any form of judgment
beyond a muffled voice
exiled to the dark recesses
of my mind
A voice given the job
of divining reason in the chaos
with only a,
to begin with faulty, reference point
to work off."
[duncan. talky. wordy. it will work well as prose. journal entry. or a chapter. a stream of consciousness ramble. as poetry it loses steam. uneven. i felt that way. too clinical, scientific and distant. its hard to establish connection as a reader.
time to time it drifts away and farther. i love the framework. but then it feels bookish in a poem. almost a monologue.
or a sermon. poem can't be any of this.
pack some punches in here.
surprise the reader. bust his nuts and crack him.
sit with it again. that's what i would say.
skim. cut. chop. add. you know the stakes.
and the moves. :]
i will wait now.
power,
sumeet
okay. let's get to it man.
"The last time
I slid out of slumber
was around three days ago,
I've yet to tire
but the time's been taking it's toll
['out of' signifies waking up. is that what you meant?
it's. no apostrophe.]
I've spent endless hours,
or was that eons,
wandering the mires
and mountains
that make up my mind
[first two sentences don't pack a punch IMO.
the bridge between hours and eons.
wander needs something. may be, across.
mires and mountains. add something to the
imagery. make it complete. ]
I'm not sure what I'm looking for
or what I might find
as I continue to explore lands
lost across awe-inspiring
expanses of emptiness
['awe-inspiring' does not belong here. i feel so. i hate the vanity it has associated along with it. here, we are dealing big. find an alternative. or change the structure to have the adjectives in the end.]
My search has sent me South
into the slums
of my soul
where I've stared off
against the shadows
born of sin and sorrow
[why the cap?
how about 'gutter'?
slums signify inhabitants. if you stick with slum, that needs some addition. just me.]
They forever collect
in the countless corners
of my cranium's canvas,
building the foundations
of forts of pure fear
and castles
of chaos and corruption
[canvas seems redundant. its two dimensional.
somehow week. hope i am making sense.
alliteration. a little too much, i feel.
a second sitting with this one.]
From there I continued
to delve into the depths
of my dark, depraved disease,
a cureless cancer
that can't be cut out
[continue. present tense.
'cut out' can be replaced.]
It's a sickness I'm sure
that I share with,
quite probably,
the whole of humanity,
to one extent or another
One that requires sentience
and has aligned itself with us
physically manifesting,
in one form or another,
through the socially acceptable 'sins'
of the elite in each era
I don't judge anyone or thing
and 'it', is the darker limbs of this,
'it', is the finding it acceptable to do things
that are forever the object
of society's fear and scorn...
...
This insane insight
into the inner-workings
of my sleep-deprived self
is a twisted caricature
of my day-to-day thoughts
It's kept close to the truth
of my typically troubled mind
only serving to intersperse it with
a confused, rambling,
oft-times nonsensical reel
of painfully extracted prattle
It's a dark,
or otherwise hysterical,
parody of me
lacking in almost any form of judgment
beyond a muffled voice
exiled to the dark recesses
of my mind
A voice given the job
of divining reason in the chaos
with only a,
to begin with faulty, reference point
to work off."
[duncan. talky. wordy. it will work well as prose. journal entry. or a chapter. a stream of consciousness ramble. as poetry it loses steam. uneven. i felt that way. too clinical, scientific and distant. its hard to establish connection as a reader.
time to time it drifts away and farther. i love the framework. but then it feels bookish in a poem. almost a monologue.
or a sermon. poem can't be any of this.
pack some punches in here.
surprise the reader. bust his nuts and crack him.
sit with it again. that's what i would say.
skim. cut. chop. add. you know the stakes.
and the moves. :]
i will wait now.
power,
sumeet
4th Oct 2012 10:23am
"'out of' signifies waking up. is that what you meant?"
[yes]
"first two sentences don't pack a punch IMO.
the bridge between hours and eons."
[I cut out hours so as to 'cut to the chase']
"wander needs something. maybe, across.
mires and mountains. add something to the
imagery. make it complete."
[A replaced it with 'traversing as it feels like a more explanatory verb]
"'awe-inspiring' does not belong here. i feel so. i hate the vanity it has associated along with it. here, we are dealing big. find an alternative. or change the structure to have the adjectives in the end."
[I 'awe-inspiring' with a reiteration of the emptiness]
"why the cap?
how about 'gutter'?
slums signify inhabitants. if you stick with slum, that needs some addition. just me."
['cap'?
I enjoy the alliteration.
I ended up having to add a whole stanza.]
"canvas seems redundant. its two dimensional.
somehow week. hope i am making sense.
alliteration. a little too much, i feel.
a second sitting with this one."
[I mixed it up a bit, I think it works a bit better. I completely agree on the alliteration front. :D]
"'cut out' can be replaced."
[Any better?]
[I cut out alot of the internal commentary and I spiced up the rest with some alliteration, a bit of assonance and rhyme. Thanks for this Sumeet, alot of the 'errors' you pointed out didn't sound right but when I can't put my finger on a problem I have a nasty habit of settling.]
Thank you.
Duncan
[yes]
"first two sentences don't pack a punch IMO.
the bridge between hours and eons."
[I cut out hours so as to 'cut to the chase']
"wander needs something. maybe, across.
mires and mountains. add something to the
imagery. make it complete."
[A replaced it with 'traversing as it feels like a more explanatory verb]
"'awe-inspiring' does not belong here. i feel so. i hate the vanity it has associated along with it. here, we are dealing big. find an alternative. or change the structure to have the adjectives in the end."
[I 'awe-inspiring' with a reiteration of the emptiness]
"why the cap?
how about 'gutter'?
slums signify inhabitants. if you stick with slum, that needs some addition. just me."
['cap'?
I enjoy the alliteration.
I ended up having to add a whole stanza.]
"canvas seems redundant. its two dimensional.
somehow week. hope i am making sense.
alliteration. a little too much, i feel.
a second sitting with this one."
[I mixed it up a bit, I think it works a bit better. I completely agree on the alliteration front. :D]
"'cut out' can be replaced."
[Any better?]
[I cut out alot of the internal commentary and I spiced up the rest with some alliteration, a bit of assonance and rhyme. Thanks for this Sumeet, alot of the 'errors' you pointed out didn't sound right but when I can't put my finger on a problem I have a nasty habit of settling.]
Thank you.
Duncan
4th Oct 2012 9:24am
They say that if you go to long without an REM cycle you can loose sanity, succumbing into hysteria and even die. Though I would hope that none of this did occur in your particular scenario, I am pleased that in evoked such a great poem out of you. Great job.
Yours,
AlwaysCaliban
Yours,
AlwaysCaliban
4th Oct 2012 10:25am
4th Oct 2012 11:05pm
6th Oct 2012 12:31pm
5th Oct 2012 5:59pm
Ah, yes, insomnia. I have been "wired" before, on sleep deprivation, making it even harder to sleep.
Saying that, I recommend you turn on any TV channel showing debates in parliament, I guarantee zzzz's in 5 minutes.
Liked the write. :)
Saying that, I recommend you turn on any TV channel showing debates in parliament, I guarantee zzzz's in 5 minutes.
Liked the write. :)
6th Oct 2012 12:32pm
