deepundergroundpoetry.com
This pain
Honey, this pain
..this pleasure-
Forgive the cliché that I preach.
Such sweet, sweet torture...
Bind me- darling-
I promise to struggle...
Oh perfection,
my blood- your tears-
Such pain
Make me scream,
Darling,
Brutality in lust.
Your crimson orbs,
Burning- dripping sex-
Such power... consume.
Stupid girl-
I am only human.
Self-restraint...
...a short supply.
You resist.
Oh honey,
My sweet,
I can tango too.
Don’t start what you cant
control.
..this pleasure-
Forgive the cliché that I preach.
Such sweet, sweet torture...
Bind me- darling-
I promise to struggle...
Oh perfection,
my blood- your tears-
Such pain
Make me scream,
Darling,
Brutality in lust.
Your crimson orbs,
Burning- dripping sex-
Such power... consume.
Stupid girl-
I am only human.
Self-restraint...
...a short supply.
You resist.
Oh honey,
My sweet,
I can tango too.
Don’t start what you cant
control.
Published 30th Sep 2012
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Anonymous
- Edited 30th Sep 2012 12:23pm
30th Sep 2012 11:35am
Hello Diseased,
Yes it did take a twist, but I think that is what I liked about it most, this sort of reality that pops out of nowhere.
I think what is worying you, is your writing style here, it is unique I agree. Somewhat special. But I don't know that it actually works with your content. You might find comfort if you bared down the puntuation structure. (This is not something I always recomend) - just on this piece...
Some thing like this...
Honey
this pain
this pleasure
forgive the cliché
such sweet
sweet torture
bind me
for you I'd struggle
and so on. Personaly I would cut every possible unnecessay "extra" out of it let the narator show her naked self.
Also I find you the change of pet-name a little jarrying, it's almost like you are talking about six different people, and maybe you don't need to refer by the pet name as often (twice max) but do keep it the same one, keeps the reader in understanding who you speak of.
All of this is just opinion, but I do think you have the making of something special here. Keep at it.
Yes it did take a twist, but I think that is what I liked about it most, this sort of reality that pops out of nowhere.
I think what is worying you, is your writing style here, it is unique I agree. Somewhat special. But I don't know that it actually works with your content. You might find comfort if you bared down the puntuation structure. (This is not something I always recomend) - just on this piece...
Some thing like this...
Honey
this pain
this pleasure
forgive the cliché
such sweet
sweet torture
bind me
for you I'd struggle
and so on. Personaly I would cut every possible unnecessay "extra" out of it let the narator show her naked self.
Also I find you the change of pet-name a little jarrying, it's almost like you are talking about six different people, and maybe you don't need to refer by the pet name as often (twice max) but do keep it the same one, keeps the reader in understanding who you speak of.
All of this is just opinion, but I do think you have the making of something special here. Keep at it.
30th Sep 2012 11:46am
Thankyou so much for this comment. hmm. I havent quite thought about the layout/punctuation. Again, this is the first time I have used this kind of format. I do see what your saying here, to leave it raw and simple. I think I will play around with this, and try and find something that fits. thankyou so much for your help =D
