deepundergroundpoetry.com
A Dream of Mine...
I had a dream of bursting colors.
And they all went off
With a Shatter! next to me.
Their explosions sent rivulets
Down my neck and across my arms;
But I didn't mind.
Their color filled me
With pain and desire,
They colored me in
And made me feel whole.
I was so at peace,
I forgot the real world,
And I let myself become
The rainbow of unknown colors...
And they all went off
With a Shatter! next to me.
Their explosions sent rivulets
Down my neck and across my arms;
But I didn't mind.
Their color filled me
With pain and desire,
They colored me in
And made me feel whole.
I was so at peace,
I forgot the real world,
And I let myself become
The rainbow of unknown colors...
Published 15th Sep 2012
| Edited 16th Sep 2012
All writing remains the property of the author. Don't use it for any purpose without their permission.
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Commenting Preference:
The author encourages honest critique.
15th Sep 2012 8:41pm
Anonymous
16th Sep 2012 10:09pm
Hello Asp
Welcome to DU.
Of the poetry you have submited so far, this one is by far the best.
As you asked for honest critique may I help you a little?
- If you write a series of sentences on a page, it comes accross to the reader as a series of sentences. This could be bit jarring.
If you have some form of poetic style in the write you'll find that it reads easier and you'll start to develop a rhythm and tempo to your writing.
So my 2 cents for what it's worth is that if you removed the spaces in your write between the lines and broke the lines up a little, you may find that this one goes from good to brilliant.
Al .
P.S. keep writing, people are reading you!
Welcome to DU.
Of the poetry you have submited so far, this one is by far the best.
As you asked for honest critique may I help you a little?
- If you write a series of sentences on a page, it comes accross to the reader as a series of sentences. This could be bit jarring.
If you have some form of poetic style in the write you'll find that it reads easier and you'll start to develop a rhythm and tempo to your writing.
So my 2 cents for what it's worth is that if you removed the spaces in your write between the lines and broke the lines up a little, you may find that this one goes from good to brilliant.
Al .
P.S. keep writing, people are reading you!
16th Sep 2012 10:16pm
Thank you ^^. I do admire you for honestly critiquing my poetry, and thanks for the helpful tips.
Anonymous
16th Sep 2012 10:48pm
Awsome... Now when you read it like that....
:]
Well done!
:]
Well done!
