deep crimson

The urge it's still there
It's to strong and I can't handle it alone
I told myself I never would again but here I am holding a blade in my hand
Years ago I never thought I would of come to this
I was a quite optimistic girl always doing what I was told
I told myself I would never ever drink or swear or cut
But here I am two years later
I'm not that same girl  anymore
I miss her but I can't take her back
In ways I have matured but just gotten stupider
I'm scared, scared of what I'll do next
I have driven people away
For that I am sorry I never thought it would come to  this
As I lift my sleeve and look at the pattern of my cuts
I wonder why I even cut
I did it one time to take the pain away it worked but here I am again not even feeling sad I'm happy but the urge is still there I want to see the crimson red drip down my arms
I want to feel that sting as that sharp metal sears my skin  
so here I am that red crimson dripping down my arm
I lay back on my pillow and take a deep breath
Because I know this is only the beginning