deepundergroundpoetry.com
forever in you heart
thy lover awaits,
here in the grve yard,
i bleed for thy eternally
my heart bleeds,
bleeds for you,
i scream your name,
thy father does not know,
but thy partner is death,
death in its self
with this razor blade,
held to my wrist,
i take my life,
to be with my lover.my death,
my death is crule.
i hate the way poeple stare at me,
i wish it would stop,
i just want to be alone,
for that is what i wanted all alonge.
people stare at me as if all thay can see ,
is the scares,
the scares that fail to kill,
my beauty...
no one knows all thay see is my awited death!!
i will take my life from myself,
here,
now in this verry grave yard,
i wish to be free,
free from this shit!!
theres always somthing diffrent going wrong,
the path i walks in the wrong dirrection,
theres always somone fucking haning on
will someone come and make things better
my lover awaits...
i will know end my suffering
for thy lover awaits
here in the grve yard,
i bleed for thy eternally
my heart bleeds,
bleeds for you,
i scream your name,
thy father does not know,
but thy partner is death,
death in its self
with this razor blade,
held to my wrist,
i take my life,
to be with my lover.my death,
my death is crule.
i hate the way poeple stare at me,
i wish it would stop,
i just want to be alone,
for that is what i wanted all alonge.
people stare at me as if all thay can see ,
is the scares,
the scares that fail to kill,
my beauty...
no one knows all thay see is my awited death!!
i will take my life from myself,
here,
now in this verry grave yard,
i wish to be free,
free from this shit!!
theres always somthing diffrent going wrong,
the path i walks in the wrong dirrection,
theres always somone fucking haning on
will someone come and make things better
my lover awaits...
i will know end my suffering
for thy lover awaits
Published 2nd Aug 2012
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The author encourages honest critique.
3rd Aug 2012 5:16am
1. "Thy" is Middle English for "your." People tend to overuse it, sticking it in for any sort of pronoun or possessive pronoun they decide doesn't sound "poetic" enough. You should go through and edit out anyplace you don't specifically mean "your."
2. Some misspellings need fixing: grave (line 2), itself (line 9), cruel (line 14), along (line 18), scars (lines 20 & 21), they (line 23), awaited (line 23), very (line 26), graveyard (line 26), something (line 29), different (line 29), walk's (line 30), direction (line 30), someone (line 31), hanging (line 31), now (line 34).
That should get a basic cleanup for starters. In addition, you should use commas and periods in places where you want people to pause and take a breath. You shouldn't use them in the middle of a thought just because it's the end of a line. A helpful tip is to read your work out loud, and anywhere you find you get to the end of a thought and would naturally pause while talking, use a comma or period.
Welcome to DU, hope you like it here!
2. Some misspellings need fixing: grave (line 2), itself (line 9), cruel (line 14), along (line 18), scars (lines 20 & 21), they (line 23), awaited (line 23), very (line 26), graveyard (line 26), something (line 29), different (line 29), walk's (line 30), direction (line 30), someone (line 31), hanging (line 31), now (line 34).
That should get a basic cleanup for starters. In addition, you should use commas and periods in places where you want people to pause and take a breath. You shouldn't use them in the middle of a thought just because it's the end of a line. A helpful tip is to read your work out loud, and anywhere you find you get to the end of a thought and would naturally pause while talking, use a comma or period.
Welcome to DU, hope you like it here!
3rd Aug 2012 11:10am
4th Aug 2012 11:44am
Ur Tears Don't fall they crash around me.
People can't stop staring because even in death ur beauty burns evryones soul.
People can't stop staring because even in death ur beauty burns evryones soul.
4th Aug 2012 7:14pm
8th Aug 2012 11:18am
23rd Aug 2012 11:45am
