Asphodel (30/7/12) -diary entry-

My diary's name is Asphodel. A flower that means 'My regrets follow you to the grave'. Just something random i thought i'd get up.
_____________________________________________________________

I hate this...I hate how fingers are pointing to only my faults and some that aren't even mine. They curse me with eternal loneliness, unwantedness, failure and remind me that I am nothing but a burden. How does it feel to be cursed by the one that brought you into this forsaken world? Reminded that you don't have any friends and are forbidden to make any. of how pathetic you are when you finally cry over the hurt you've been harboring. That YOU crying, is pathetic altogether while the ones that cursed you cry shamelessly in hopes of getting sympathy, favor and attention. Its an unfair world and its always has been. Thats why most of my empathy has wasted away into nothingness. The more they see they have less control over me, the more they try to bind me. They are afraid of losing control over the ones they torture, but when given a little liniency, will milk every moment and try to strike back with everything they've got. Never turn your back on your enemy. They'll make weapons out of nothing and will fire them against you. When they have nothing to say, they'll say that you are evil, that demons walk where you walk and say that no wonder you are what you are. They pretend to save you while all they see is someone that can see through their facade. In their defense, they call you 'lost', and ask fellow enemies that if they need any help, only but ask. One feels important as if a savior, one feels content to have received attention while they ignore completely the object of their conversation altogether. I was but their tool, and they didn't want their toys to be jumping without their permission even though they be not fit to have respect, even from me, let alone my obedience. All they want is pride. Short lived thrill of being better than others. If anyone dared challenge that, they curse and try to crush them in defense. Some flowers were never meant to see the sun...

In my own world of complexity and simplicity is where I dwell. I know who I am, I know what life is, I know what hardship means...I am not like those pampered idiots that have no idea what it means to feel pain. I feel that its because of this pain that I have become so numb. Nothing holds their significance to me anymore. I try, i try hard. However,its only for my own amusement. I see those fools that make a big deal out of nothing. Those that make huge speeches they know absolutely nothing about. Making people believe that they were someone important and someone to be feared. But its all a lie. Those that say that everything I did was always wrong and that I never tried hard enough. Sometimes we have different ideas on what can be important to us. For I find that something that truly teaches me to never give up and to trust oneself and to protect, was infinitely more useful than something that I many never again use once my 2 years were up. This is why they know nothing. Those that think themselves high but don't realize what's truly important. Teaching unnecessary things just because a person that doesn't understand had decided it. As well as conveying the message half-heartedly, decreasing its importance but yet we are blamed for this. Its always us, they are never wrong. If I had submitted to them long ago, I would probably be as lost as they are. However, I have nothing I want to protect, nothing to fight for and so on. Perhaps if I believed those curses, I would have been a monster they they were afraid of. Uncontrollable, a killing machine, only something to be despised, like in my dreams. Could it be that just like he said, that a monster doesn't deserve love? If it is, then let it be so, for I have no reason to go against any of it. Why should I work to gain their acceptance? The acceptance of the very people that betrayed and used me? They are but the same, all of them...

There are some things that were never meant to be told. Although I feel affectionate towards my friends, I cannot tell them what I truly want to say. They'll but worry and I am no attention seeker. This burden will become my own, and mine alone to carry. Besides, how much longer will they remain as my friends once we part and go our separate ways? What will happen to us? For now its best to practice forgetfulness for when the time comes, which I know it will, it will be painful...