LAVA IN MY VEINS

Something beneath the surface boiling to come out;
Something red,
Something thicker than water
The more she screams this something gets hotter….
Until I am alone, and all by myself.
Years have passed; she’ll repeat the same words
Years ago I should have gotten help
Years have brought me to this very day
Too familiar, it still hurts
Too familiar but it’s gotten worse.
Blood is thicker than water,
But lava is thicker than blood
This is my antidote; the one that conquers my own fears
Yet she still frightens me the very same
Everything will be okay again very soon
I open the curtains,
Allow in the light of the moon.
It may illuminate everything that surrounds me’
But only god knows what I carry in my heart.
I just need to do this one thing right now
Now does this make me such a bad person?
are the angels gawking me down at this moment in time?
Could it be possible that I have made one angel in heaven cry?
And if I cry before she wakes, who is going to dry the tears that run from these very eyes that have stood  back and watched nineteen years go by?
I think about everything but none of it explains who I am
I think about the days that I would see her cry, and yet it explains why I am whatever I am today
And every day I lived inside of her there wouldn’t be a day go bye that my mother would not cry.
Perhaps she cried because she knew the monster that I would one day become;
Or maybe she cried because she was just the same as me.
There is something beneath the surface and it is boiling to come out
Something red, something thicker than water something rushing through my veins
It all adds up, this tension I bottle up and hold on the inside and this is the only thing that will relieve any of that stress, yet it digs up something else that is on the inside too;
Something cold, something still, something gone beyond recovery
Every part of me that has ever died at any time is exposed and that is what hurts me all over again.
The harder I press down on a blade that reflects the tears that run down my face, the more I die on the inside, and these marks on my flesh bound in sin and agony are the one thing that will slap me in the face every time as though the hand of god himself when they scream at me, that there is no turning back now; you are fucked beyond recovery and you will remain nothing more than damaged goods.
There is no hope for tomorrow
There is no certainty one minute away
There is no light at the end of the tunnel….
This is all that you are left with because this is what you have chosen.
This is the one thing that you have stuck by all along.
Be careful what you wish for…
Because you just now got it.
You are dead from the inside out,
This is the only thing that you are left with anymore that can make you feel alive
As your lava boils over
Your time is running out ….
Until the morning you wake and the sun doesn’t shine anymore.
No more blue bird as she sings
No more gentle rain falls, only the acid that penetrates through your heart and leaks through to your soul.
But love…
You could never love yourself enough to see any of that.
See, I’ve never been stupid, I know when enough has been enough
I know when to call it off because I know when I have been pushed to my limit after life and everyone in it has taken their toll.
I’ve never been one to cut on stage because I never wanted an audience at any point in life because I suffer alone. I take the misery that she has inflicted on me but I will never inflict it on anyone else because I see the way this world works it is all a chain reaction of cause and effect.
This hell will end on my own time, never on hers
This lava pools out as the blade goes deeper, this will only make it worse
I push the line on up, see how much this old body of mine could actually take
Looking at it only makes it worse
I’m too close for stitches at this point….
Soon enough none of this is going to hurt.
Soon enough every painful word will be forgotten.
Soon enough nothing is ever going to bother me again as I leave everything I both love and hate behind.