deepundergroundpoetry.com
Love
Nothing quite leaves me feeling older
or colder
than your love poems
the need to dismiss love
to ridicule
is fierce in me these days
but catch me a bellbird's eye
and I'm caught with greed
a full, soft, immediate greed, for her
should her bird song lift and falter
this strained, creaking heart
shifts uneasy, pulling out and up
aching for her uncertain hope
let the fat, golden moon
break free of the hills
setting her plume aglow
and I stand, a breathless adulant
riveted, grateful
I pray that these be loves
that this snark might admit
to a first love poem
I pray that soon, soon
I'll unravel, revel in, yours
or colder
than your love poems
the need to dismiss love
to ridicule
is fierce in me these days
but catch me a bellbird's eye
and I'm caught with greed
a full, soft, immediate greed, for her
should her bird song lift and falter
this strained, creaking heart
shifts uneasy, pulling out and up
aching for her uncertain hope
let the fat, golden moon
break free of the hills
setting her plume aglow
and I stand, a breathless adulant
riveted, grateful
I pray that these be loves
that this snark might admit
to a first love poem
I pray that soon, soon
I'll unravel, revel in, yours
Published 25th Jul 2012
| Edited 31st Jul 2012
All writing remains the property of the author. Don't use it for any purpose without their permission.
likes 11
reading list entries 3
comments 16
reads 1511
Commenting Preference:
The author encourages honest critique.
i'm under the impression that you need no comments to validate your presence, (which is why i hang back a bit) but what the hell. you just deserve them.
the first little stanza speaks everything, the second goes through the reach and eases back into a sense of self...(bellbird = brilliant) and i love that after that reaching imagery, we're left with the narrator standing with an inner peace smile while the last stanza plays out, stepping back from the frustration in the poem's beginnings. problem, struggle, resolution, the whole thing full of reason to care. i saw me hitchhiking on this trip. thank you. [:
the first little stanza speaks everything, the second goes through the reach and eases back into a sense of self...(bellbird = brilliant) and i love that after that reaching imagery, we're left with the narrator standing with an inner peace smile while the last stanza plays out, stepping back from the frustration in the poem's beginnings. problem, struggle, resolution, the whole thing full of reason to care. i saw me hitchhiking on this trip. thank you. [:
28th Jul 2012 2:16am
Jestalessa, thank you for your encouragement ..! Had been unsure whether staying with one focus (the bird) was too narrow, so am pleased you found it sufficient, cheers :-)
29th Jul 2012 10:36pm
Kaatho.
yeah, definitely the first stanza is strong enough to stand by itself.
I think that apart from the obvious talent you have,it's the way you use phrases like ;
is fierce in me these days
and
But catch me a bellbird's eye
It brings an element of yourself into it that makes it more personal than just a lot of words that you'd normally not use (make sense?)
very enjoyable read. shine on!
yeah, definitely the first stanza is strong enough to stand by itself.
I think that apart from the obvious talent you have,it's the way you use phrases like ;
is fierce in me these days
and
But catch me a bellbird's eye
It brings an element of yourself into it that makes it more personal than just a lot of words that you'd normally not use (make sense?)
very enjoyable read. shine on!
30th Jul 2012 7:12am
Pleased you enjoyed it, and thank you for the compliment ..!
Cheers, CraicDealer
Cheers, CraicDealer
Anonymous
31st Jul 2012 2:29am
I think you should remove all the capital letters. This poem isn't structured in a series of sentences with periods, so the capitals pop up randomly. When you want to begin a new thought I'd suggest you make another verse. For instance, L4 - 6 read like they should stand alone.
Otherwise this poem has its share of high points. I liked the rhyme of "older" and "colder," and the "bellbird's eye" is a lovely phrase. Your narrative voice is rich with personality. Thanks for the read.
Otherwise this poem has its share of high points. I liked the rhyme of "older" and "colder," and the "bellbird's eye" is a lovely phrase. Your narrative voice is rich with personality. Thanks for the read.
31st Jul 2012 3:10am
I've avoided full stops for softer pieces, but am intrigued with you saying capital letters then look out of place. Will edit this using separate verses, as you suggest, and experiment with marrying full stops and capitals for punchier work.
Thank you, Heslopian, I appreciate your suggestions and encouragement.
Thank you, Heslopian, I appreciate your suggestions and encouragement.
1st Aug 2012 11:27pm
My favorite line.. "this strained, creaking heart". I like the gentle rhythm of it too.
2nd Aug 2012 4:38am
12th Aug 2012 11:23pm
kaatho
well, again. you fail me. but i cant just whine
and express the soulless vain 'great poem keep
it up' for the sake. all i will say is this:
to me this read like a perfect screenplay in
the form of a poem. the languid pace was an
add on and the breckneck drama that starts
with S1 and builds up to myriad forms of
a controlled emotional storm just steals
the show. happy to have come across you.
love your word wizardry and the bellbird
reference. the threadbare form works
well imo.
thanks for sharing. will be around.
light,
sumeet
well, again. you fail me. but i cant just whine
and express the soulless vain 'great poem keep
it up' for the sake. all i will say is this:
to me this read like a perfect screenplay in
the form of a poem. the languid pace was an
add on and the breckneck drama that starts
with S1 and builds up to myriad forms of
a controlled emotional storm just steals
the show. happy to have come across you.
love your word wizardry and the bellbird
reference. the threadbare form works
well imo.
thanks for sharing. will be around.
light,
sumeet
13th Aug 2012 2:52pm
Anonymous
31st Aug 2012 6:48pm
Hello Kaatho,
Well with the the comments above, it is rather hard to even provide anything of value to you, because those comments are well gospel to the piece.
But I will say that I look forward to reading every word you paint and I can't wait to leave this page to find more.
Thank you kindly for the special words that you used to make my day a beautiful one.
Best to you!
AL
-X-
Well with the the comments above, it is rather hard to even provide anything of value to you, because those comments are well gospel to the piece.
But I will say that I look forward to reading every word you paint and I can't wait to leave this page to find more.
Thank you kindly for the special words that you used to make my day a beautiful one.
Best to you!
AL
-X-
1st Sep 2012 2:20am
2nd Sep 2012 00:19am
Ok I thoroughly enjoyed this. I've looked at your other stuff also, your vocabulary is really enjoyable! Your poems are very nice. Well done.
2nd Sep 2012 2:45am
Anonymous
24th Mar 2014 9:37pm
Stanza five is just beautiful and could easily be from a Plath piece, so that's the highlight for me. Such underlying sadness seeps through your words. Futility perhaps. Frustration. Fear.
Thank you for the read.
Thank you for the read.
25th Mar 2014 10:52am
