deepundergroundpoetry.com
Days Before the Rain
I've been pacing this desert for years
north and south both mirror each other,
east and west are the path of the sun
but I realised there's no sun here
just a big yellow still high up.
Between the still and me, is a dry, thick air
consuming all that feed from its wealthy pockets.
I walk past scrumples of dried paper and dust
that in some way resemble scorpions;
disposable gargoyles heedfully warning
before the wind brushes them off.
As the day wears on and I wear out
I smell and lust for the rain and the grass;
trees bearing unattainable fruits,
almost.
The smells send splinters down my tongue.
The cracked, sober dry earth
recognises me in late afternoons
and pulls me down, to my knees
as I'm washed and nourished in orange
as the still briefly becomes a sun
I'm staring, astonished and agape
at another beautiful sunset, another forced breath.
I ignore the mirage of frozen night
and its million restless signal fires.
One day I'll reach the grass and rain
because the sunsets won't be enough.
Published 16th Jul 2012
| Edited 17th Jul 2012
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16th Jul 2012 7:49pm
17th Jul 2012 5:46am
16th Jul 2012 10:29pm
awareness- orgasm
S3 and S4 wowow
as I'm washed and nourished in orange
as the still briefly becomes a sun
S3 and S4 wowow
as I'm washed and nourished in orange
as the still briefly becomes a sun
17th Jul 2012 5:50am
Anonymous
- Edited 16th Jul 2012 11:06pm
16th Jul 2012 11:04pm
I don't think you need any of the punctuation, but I wouldn't blame you if you stuck with it, because there are actual sentences here.
What exactly is "the still"? Is it the sun, or a stillness in the air?
In L3 of S3 "semi-erotic fruits" feels out of place. What comes before is melancholy, so the sudden image of semi-erotc fruits, which in my mind evokes phallic pears and so on, causes laughter, which I'm not sure is the reaction you want.
This whole poem is an extended metaphor, done so well that it becomes every bit as compelling as if the journey through the desert was literal. Again, your internal landscapes are stunning, and there were expressions here which startled me. For instance: "Between the still and me, is a dry, thick air/consuming all that feed from its wealthy pockets." That second verse is my favourite.
There's a powerful concision of narrative which bolsters your images. Almost everything is clearly conveyed, with no pretension or frills.
All critique is JMHO. Thanks for the read.
What exactly is "the still"? Is it the sun, or a stillness in the air?
In L3 of S3 "semi-erotic fruits" feels out of place. What comes before is melancholy, so the sudden image of semi-erotc fruits, which in my mind evokes phallic pears and so on, causes laughter, which I'm not sure is the reaction you want.
This whole poem is an extended metaphor, done so well that it becomes every bit as compelling as if the journey through the desert was literal. Again, your internal landscapes are stunning, and there were expressions here which startled me. For instance: "Between the still and me, is a dry, thick air/consuming all that feed from its wealthy pockets." That second verse is my favourite.
There's a powerful concision of narrative which bolsters your images. Almost everything is clearly conveyed, with no pretension or frills.
All critique is JMHO. Thanks for the read.
17th Jul 2012 5:59am
Yeah I'll keep the punctuation because it would need rewording in places if I remove it.
I meant 'still' as in the apparatus used for distilling water or alcohol because it's so hot and consuming all the goodness in the air and on the ground.
Yeah maybe 'semi-erotic' is a bit out of place, haha. Was just a description relating to the lust for the fruits. I'll have a look.
Well, thanks for the wonderful words, Jack, and your ever-keen eyes.
I meant 'still' as in the apparatus used for distilling water or alcohol because it's so hot and consuming all the goodness in the air and on the ground.
Yeah maybe 'semi-erotic' is a bit out of place, haha. Was just a description relating to the lust for the fruits. I'll have a look.
Well, thanks for the wonderful words, Jack, and your ever-keen eyes.
8th Aug 2012 6:06am
