My Own Darkness

My own darkness strangles me. It eats me from the inside out. This is not the devils work. Such things are not believed in the world of my mind. A black whole would be over exaggerating. Such a force would make me implode and insanity would infringe on the world that I call normal. It is a parasite. Its the thoughts that lead to action, action that leads to consequences, and ultimately the fate chosen. You could say its the work of the voice. Its the one deep in the back of the mind echoing in the caves of guilt, fear, and the running gags of self torture.

     If not for my own responsibility what use would I be?

     If not for for the people I love who would think of me?

     If not for me being in this very world, would I have eventually been born to go on adventures?

     Life does not seem to just be something that someone just walks into. Sort of like Mordor. Unfortunately life doesn't always come out as one huge quest like that of lord of the rings. It can be bearable or unbearable, it can be fast-paced or slow-paced, it can turn out good, or it can turn out overly-dramatic, horribly, gruesomely wrong. It seems just to question the very thing called “existence”  is a hot topic for all of us. For me it doesn't seem to matter. Like everyone else I'm suffocating. The suffocation is from emotions, from the thoughts of what these emotions yell at me to do, and the love that I desire without the strings attached to both ends.

     Everyone laughs, everyone cries, but then many say what will that matter when everyone dies. Do we just live in a world to accomplish things to hope that we will live longer, or that the memories of others will hopefully make us a god? What is the purpose to life? What is the purpose for existence more importantly? Not just the existence of life, but everything as a whole.

     I see it myself as that I exist to keep my senses. Im terribly afraid of dying. Not because I would lose my family, or the accomplishments I made, or even leaving everything behind. I've grown so accustomed to my senses that I am afraid that if I go into the void I would never get to see anything again. Never would there be another world for me, to taste, see, touch, smell, or even feel. I might just become a rock that forever floats in the vast sea of space forever.

     My darkness consumes me, a parasite that makes my stomach wrench of questioning all this. To think that I will possibly be a thing of nothing forever. That is my ultimate fear.