A Dead Memory

Why does it feel,
As if deep in my heart,
A beloved of mine had died?
Why has my heart stopped and start?

It is real,
Yet no death can i record,
No one that i truly cared about,
Nothing is in my memory, stored.

Yet i cry as the catalyst starts to speak,
Bringing tears one after the other,
Soaking my clothes as i start to break down,
My tank and my shorts flood with salted water.

Maybe its me who died,
A long time ago,
When all the pain had started to make,
My self esteem go lower than low.

My thoughts murdered me,
Deep inside my head,
And i woke up, reincarnated,
After i went to bed.

The me that i was,
Before i knew such truth,
Cease to exist,
Yet i have no proof.

She took with her some things of mine,
Like that beautiful smile,
And shining eyes so sublime.

That silver laughter of pure joy,
That childlike giggle of glee,
Health that a horse would be envious of,
Now that i think about it, was that really me?

I cry of a death,
Waiting for her to return,
Though i know thats not possible,
This meeting's not adjourned.

Still i wait,
Believing she'll be back,
I mourn for her day and night,
Deep inside my heart so black.

She told me once before i went to bed,
While i'm off, get stronger, i'll be back,
I waited and i waited then i finally said,
She didn't come because, too much have i lacked.

So there i stand,
Training each day,
To tolerate cuts and taunts,
Always playing the prey.

The years past by,
And i forgot our pact,
Going through endless training,
I totally lost track.

Until i remembered,
In fact she's really gone,
The most bitter memory,
Stretched on for so...so long.