deepundergroundpoetry.com
The Fire
The night he walked away from me
My soul ignited into a flaming orange fire
Every minute without him causes the flames to burn brighter
With the color red and billowing white smoke
Im slowly being consumed by the everlasting
Glow of blue and yellow
Soon there will be nothing left of me
But a pile of gray ash
To which you can bury
In the cold brown ground
Leaving nothing but a
Neon clear shell of what use to be me
Okay guys this needs work so please give me some feedback on it
My soul ignited into a flaming orange fire
Every minute without him causes the flames to burn brighter
With the color red and billowing white smoke
Im slowly being consumed by the everlasting
Glow of blue and yellow
Soon there will be nothing left of me
But a pile of gray ash
To which you can bury
In the cold brown ground
Leaving nothing but a
Neon clear shell of what use to be me
Okay guys this needs work so please give me some feedback on it
Published 21st Jun 2012
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29th Jun 2012 7:50am
If we apply the five elements of a story to your work here, the one part you could expand upon is the conflict resolution.
Also when you write, "Every minute without him causes the flames to burn brighter", a reader might assume this denotes anger. If the line is meant to be subtle or to imply an emotion, the resolution can also give the reader a better idea of what that line represents.
Also when you write, "Every minute without him causes the flames to burn brighter", a reader might assume this denotes anger. If the line is meant to be subtle or to imply an emotion, the resolution can also give the reader a better idea of what that line represents.
