Blinded by Fog

“How's the fog? Fog's everywhere, man. Fog infiltrates every fibre of your entire being, like every piece of your soul is infiltrated by fog. You don't know that mother-fucking shit by now, you ain't been living. Fog is everywhere. Beware of the fog. Sometimes it is an invisible presence which invades and permeates your life, and just when you think everything is going sweet and manifestly beautiful, it will fuck you up, both sides and all ways. For ever and ever. Amen.”  (Fish, from the 'Candlelight in Fog' album)  
 
There actually was a time when the fog cleared
When I was so full of life, so wild and strong
There was nothing left in the world that I feared
My dreams glowing in the sun, nothing I did was wrong
I grinned and I smiled, I felt like the golden child
 
I fell head-long into the burning fires of disgrace
A life back living within a confined black space
Reality, alongside my conscience, became misplaced
Fog that would not clear, my soul felt so defaced
Plunging into full revoke, I disappear in a haze of smoke
 
Separation of all my thoughts, words that no longer rhyme
Dreams I can no longer face, locked away in some far place
Spinning beautiful webs with the threads left of my mind
Spending days inside my room, feeling shame that does not erase
Darkness I now embrace, just quit and dropped out of the race
 
I look minutely at my reflection, I wonder and I am waiting
Where has all the enthusiasm gone? Why am I no longer here?
The last few months of struggle has brought on all this hating
Where has my soul gone to, now that it has disappeared?
No body else seems to care whilst I am swallowed by despair  
 
I called my case worker and said “something is going wrong,
they're back, all the fears and uncertainty, the hurt of my lost years”
She just said “what do you want from me? You're never going belong.
I am on emergency calls only, talk on Monday, see if it disappears”    
The losses, regrets and the tears haven't, with time, ever really  disappeared
I wish I could see her face and scream, “Lady, you're a fucking disgrace!”
 
There are times when my life just becomes so dark and cold
It makes no difference to me, I am never going to be paroled
I'm scared and alone, I have retreated to being seven years old
There is to be no permanent escape, no shining future to behold
I'm inside a nightmare land, could somebody please.....
 
.....just hold my hand?
 
Waggy   16.06.2012