fighting the gag order

7 of 30


I am reminded...
of all the days I longed to run away
how funny is that
grown ass adult having fantasies of escape
find a little place on the side of a mountain
just me {& my cats}...
no cars or fights
or gunshots across the street
just the whispering rumors of wind
& gossipy titters of birds in the trees

nobody to notice if I remain mute
when the only person around is me
alternatively...
I could mouth off whenever I want
...who's going to protest
lately I've had this crazy idea
my thoughts & feelings might actually matter
but around here...
that's not how this used to progress
I once quietly accepted...{if not entirely content...}
...the role of silent observer

now if...{when}...I speak...
they slam the lid back down on me
I feel like condensed soup...
...thick with contents...
...undiluted...
crammed in a can with the same reply everytime...
..."who asked you"
because their opinions don't align with mine

{thing is...their disagreement...
doesn't make me wrong}

& just lately I've been aching
a need to just...go
wander off into the unknown
no longer afraid of opening my mouth
to risk causing an argument

{I'm non-confrontional by nature
fighting makes me uneasy}

raised voices...
occupy way too much space in my head
I'm tired of hiding & holding it all in
being the only one willing to compromise
{but is that what it's called
when it's always the same person
making the sacrifice}

yeah, I know
we teach them how to treat us
...by what we allow
& maybe the damage is too deeply seated 
it might be too late now

so tell me...
why does it seem like lonely is easier...
...all alone
it's the silence that drives me
empty spaces fill me
in ways noise never will
creating an unexpected calm
probably one of the biggest reasons...
I'm fascinated by abandoned places