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Everybody keeps telling me it will get better
yet I am startng to doubt that it ever actually will
Every time I get back on my own 2 feet and do good
the drugs and toxicity pull me back in
I can never seem to get my fill
12 years sober
12 motherfucken years sober
And here I am, full circle
back in this nightmare, perforating my skin
Syringes full of poison that consumes me in the worst ways
Despite that, here I am as if I've forgotten the heartbreak of addiction
As if I've forgotten where I've been
Sober me and in recovery has this constant gnawing in my gut
that there's always a missing link
Some huge void that no accomplishment or success can fill
there in the background of my life is an unrelenting sadness
inside of me, there is this undeniable addiction to pain
that I am not able to kill
Maybe that is what did it this time
My quest to numb out the parts of me that still hurt
I had exhausted all other avenues
Took everybody's suggestions and gave them a try
I guess its human nature though, to circle back around to the vices you know will work
No sense in wasting either of our energies
trying to pinpoint the time and the day and the reason that I broke
It didn't matter the amount of therapy I attended
how many antidepressants I shoved down my throat
or how much life into me my grandmother spoke
Without proper care and attendance to a wound
it is bound to fester, inevitably open back up and bleed
It's just like the parable of the 2 wolves living & battling inside of us
the wolf who wins is ultimately up to us and the one we feed
I am not blind to the trouble I'm in or the time & consequences that await me
No I'm not oblivious to the destruction I have brought upon my hard worked for life
I have felt every loss I've taken to the gut
 but kept a brave face saying
"fuck it! chalk it up to the game'
and pull from my barely beating heart
this familiar double-edged knife
I am simply at a loss for words to realize
It is me, all along its me who's been the villian
the monster under my own bed
I'm the one who's lit the match and set this fire
I've created this hell
I gave sound to all this screaming inside my head
In order to regain clarity and take back what little is left of the real me
I must kiss all of what I had hoped would be here, goodbye
It is going to hurt like hell, shutting the door on the people that in any other life would be blindingly beautiful
And good to and for me
But I see my future here and I'm alot of things but being a junkie is not the way I'm going to die