An Endless Sadness

Had a nightmare last night. It was quite dark and disturbing like many of them. My friend Joe was in it, telling me I had changed. That I wasn't the girl he thought he knew. That he didn't want to talk to me. That I was tainted now. Forever. Josh was saying it, and anyone I ever knew said these things.
 
I woke up like I usually do, like I'm getting out of a trance rather than a nightmare.
 
I personally hate it when people say to not let someone or something have so much power over you. Because I'm already good at that, considering my situation. But if something, even if a little rejection, makes me cry in an insane amount, I'm gonna cry and comfort myself. I understand how fragile I am in reality. I don't think fragility is a bad thing. It means I have a pure soul. I don't care entirely to have a thick skin if thick skin means become like a drill segreant who became heartless. Because I can shut off my emotions so easily and become cold. It's a part of me.
 
I just wanted to be loved at the end of the day.
 
And I'm so, so sad it feels like crossing a completely damaged bridge. A bridge that no longer existed. Actually, scratch that. That NEVER existed.  
 
My body can't take more hits.
 
I always fear in the back of my mind that I'll end up like Diana one day if I disassociated hard enough. Another suicide statistic.  
 
Not because I didn't do my best. Not because I did not love myself or others.
 
But the world dumped enough of its cruelty upon me, and my body did what it naturally needed to do to escape. A world that did not want her. A world that made her prefer solitude over company.
 
And because that one boy who she actually wanted to give love a chance to even wants to forget her too.
 
People saying "move on" means nothing to me when so many men have treated me terribly. I don't want someone normal. I don't want someone superficial. I don't want someone common.
 
I want rare. One of a kind. Different, interesting.
 
And I'm not looking for a replaceable. I do not want to know another soul. I don't really want to get to know people. It takes everything out of me just to open up. My soul would cry and cry and cry even being face to face with another. My heart is already ripped out and bleeding. There's nothing left.
 
Just rather be alone, waiting forever. My face is riddled with an endless sadness like Josh's is. My happy is slowed down by endless sadness. My happy is forever exploring in nature. My happy is having a quiet life away from the noise.
 
Away from politics, away from religion, away from hustle culture, away from all the overrated YouTube videos out there about different issues happening within society.
 
My main mission is without an agenda. No hidden motives. No real gain. To be present yet elusive. To show people the inner beauty that is my mind, the light and darkness all in one. How my brain is one immerse stream of consciousness that keeps flowing and producing images beyond pure and innocent and true. And so deeply moving and poetic.

"I was here for a moment. And then I was gone. I wish you all a long and happy life." - The Lovely Bones