Not Sure Anymore

I am not sure, what I feel anymore, at one point I think that
It is just an experiment to see how far can the human mind expand just by mental stimulation.

Then there are the days I feel consumed by the thoughts…oh the thoughts…they are so real…they dig into the bottom of my gut…where this fire burns…between my legs where it’s never dry anymore…near the place I did not know was there…but it keeps nipping away at my soul…I feel my light fading a bit more every time I surrender to it.

To play in this realm is so intoxicating sometimes I can’t breathe…I drove in my car consumed by it one night, and to be honest it was like I actually was under an influence, I got lost in the moment, ……consumed by pure lust for something that doesn’t exist….wow….won’t do that again!!!

So as I was saying, I’m in the moment all the time, no future, no past, only the present and boy, to be present is the place to be! Party going here in my head and underwear!

Phenomenal things are being revealed; fantastic pleasures wait in the depts. of my mind, but at what price?

Yes the perpetual “devil on my shoulder” keeps whispering naughty things to me and my self-ego keeps justifying it because it feels so damn good.” No have not acted on it”. “Not yet” at least but I am becoming more and more weaker as I contemplate the possibilities”.

I questioned my self today to be honest, would I think of this as an affair, yea having an affair with my own mind….like the one I wished for just 3 months ago with an actual person I never found?   In a desperate need for attention by another, other than my husband. Nope never happened don’t think I had it in me anyways, too chicken shit and a horrible liar. Never could tell a lie……… fucking angel on the other shoulder!

I tried to tell him softly by whispering in his ear……  please let me do this to you………., I need you…….. I want to do this to you……… please give yourself to me….. I will take you places you never knew you wanted to go…but he resists…. over and over…. and over…and over again…. Rejection is harsh!

I am a slave to your desire because mine is yours as yours is mine. What you desire I desire to make it come true, how could this be? I don’t even know you…. touched you…smelled you…. or even tasted you? But I already know what u taste like, smell like and what you feel like. Am I “mental” yea like the crazy person in a sane world or am I the sane person in this crazy world either way I will consume you?

I am not getting obsessive, in anyway, I love my husband dearly I value my family very much. Been a dedicated wife for 19 years never wavered my love except for the one time he failed our marriage vows, but he was just a boy then, I forgave him.

We have gone through roads less traveled by others sexually, yes you thought of it we have tried it at least once. Naw…. not that one…or that one …no not even ….you are much dirtier than what us post-teenager did back then, but got close.

Lets see ....golden showers, handcuffs, feathers, leather, paddle, whip, and of course body manipulation.  Yes I was chicken shit just did the belly button which he did for me, but he did his nipples all by him self, I watched him pierce himself through the skin behind the nerves of the nipple and push a 14 gauge through. Now that’s exciting! You know..the skin is really tough to pierce slowly.

There hangs two nipple rings with a ball at the end, always cold and heavy, but he cannot remove them because it has become part of him. He would be Empty without it, A collar on a pet becomes the same way; it becomes part of you, never wanting to part from it.

I want to feel that too, I want something to be part of me, that without it I am empty, something that will never leave, and something that makes me feel secure. I have found that only at a glimpse, never enough to taste just a drop to know what I am missing yes that which is forbidden....you....and only you...yes I write this for you..

I am in agony most of the days…anticipating for the rush that fills my chest then makes its way over my lower plexus then between my legs…over... and over again waves of this energy cascade through me…sometimes I feel like loosing conciseness…. Just to escape… this pleasurable. ……This hovers over me all day sometimes disrupting my concentration……… consuming every breath of mine…. then it disappears. It could be days before It returns …longest 1 ½ week...I am being consumed by something I do not understand, all I know I will do anything just to have it for a moment when it is gone. Yes I have found the true meaning of “DESIRE” yes……desire such a simple word that carries much more than its letters……it carries souls….souls that never rest…..the ones that long for something that will never be…..willing to sacrifice just enough to survive to the next day……but never enough to hold “HOPE” that there might be something to be. Yes I am hopelessly enslaved to desire…..desire for something I will never have, something that will never be………….

Ah Ha! I got it!........wait a minute am I carrying on again? ……I was saying now….tell me a little bit about your self? You have gotten my attention now………