Limited By Human Connection

Got on Meetup again to go to that support group that I had troubles with just to see. The same host was on the screen of the zoom meeting. I looked away, no false smile. I was hoping it wouldn't be her.

I did not think I was being treated fairly, but I still go to that victim blaming of thinking of what I did wrong. Because I am the monster. I am the one who deserves to be outed. I think so deeply about right and wrong because I want to know if I'm ever doing anything right. Nothing ever feels good enough...

She said sorry I'm not allowed to come back and that I'm upset a lot of people.

But is she? Are people ever sorry for making assumptions about me that weren't true in that meeting (her in particular)? Am I really wrong for standing up for myself and staying true to myself?

No one can hold my pain.

Kicked into the abyss again. Down and down, I go.

But no! I don't accept this!!!!! I deserve better.

And I'm gonna find better! Sticking to my few friends and find communities that actually support me.

There is a huge, huge gap between the lives others live and what I live.

They don't live the true voice of the people.

They've accepted the black lie. That mediocrity equals happiness.

No, babe, I'm reaching for the stars. I wasn't called Ms. Hollywood by my grandfather for nothing.

Maybe one day, I won't feel so limited by human connection. We'll see. Or maybe I'll always need extra space to have my autonomy I never had in childhood.

Either way, I'm free. And I'm no longer afraid of the rage like I used to be.