I Give Up

I give up trying to say the most positive thing.

I give up trying to not let my negative thoughts consume me.

No, I want them to devour me. Because that little girl who didn't have hope and who will never have hope deserves every bit of my compassion as the girl in me who's strong and who feels capable of anything and everything.

I give up on being loveable. On being liked or adored.

I just wanna be me no matter if it's crazy, negative, or insane.

There's still this part of me of course that wants to shrink back and say I don't deserve love. That because of my problems, I deserve nothing.

But regardless, I'm learning to give myself compassion in a world that automatically judges me. I'm learning to be free from a world that's all the same. I dare to be amazing even when others are mediocre. I dare to be "too much." I dare to be too difficult to love.

And I dare to not pretend my self esteem isn't still on a sand castle about to blown over by the waves.

I give up living up to other people's expectations and dreams and norms.

I only can be me. And damn is it terrifying to live in a world you're obligated to when you were and are obligated to toxic family members daily.

I give up pretending that I'm isolating for any reason other than the fact that my monster has a leash, and I can't pull on that leash forever. It will bite. It will scream. It will devour you. So, in order to feel safe? I must hide in my castle of doom, and you shall not enter. The nicest thing I can do for you is to not allow you to enter my world fully. Don't bother be all buddy buddy with me and try to live with me because quite frankly, your expectations become a trap for me. If you're triggered by angry outbursts, I give up. Because I can't be anything but me. And if the inconvenient parts have to be trapped in a cage, I rather not try at all. I give up. I know I can be toxic, but you just trap that in a cage and expect me to get better. I won't. I will only get worse and worse.

I give up thinking that I'm someone who needs to protect everyone from myself. Although yes, I'm still cautious.

No, not anymore. There's nothing wrong with asking for help from all my old high school friends and Josh and so on. It wasn't my fault so many turned me away.

Society can't say I did not try.

And they cannot ignore that when you've been through what I've been through, you're looked at like a lost cause. An orphan who doesn't deserve a home.

I so give up, and I give up. And I don't care.

For the sake of fighting against my perfectionism, I say fuck you, fuck you, fuck you.

I don't owe anyone anything.