blood and ink/monster and poet 2

don't pretend
pretty words could wash the blood
from your hands
like they could erase the rage
and the moments you chose violence
to feel somethin
to prove that
you weren't fuckin empty

yes…there are echos here
where anger sometimes lives
but…

shut up…
how bout the mirror
that you shattered
just to feel the sting
of broken glass
how bout the way
you'd scream into pillows
tryin to drown out
the sounds in your head
how bout the ways
you would beg darkness
to swallow you

I've learned to take moments
between my breaths
I've found that…

pathetic…
how bout the time
parked in your truck
barrel to your head
the way your hand shook
how you sobbed
b/c the whiskey wasn't
drownin your demons quick enough
remember who was there
whisperin sense in your ear?…

you…
but I'm not that man anymore
I've found peace in the pain
found direction…

remember how it felt
when your knuckles would split
against a barroom strangers teeth?…

I remember…
but…

remember wakin in beds
with marks on your neck
and back
from women whose names
you quickly forgot?…
remember collectin hearts?…
remember pushin them away
b/c they were temporary distraction
from the pain?…
you can't paint that kinda red
into somethin beautiful

I've learned to bloom
in the ruins of our memories
I've learned that sometimes…
even the weakest flower
can survive the storm

fuck your flowers
wanna write…poet?
write bout how every mornin
you see your father's ghost
swimmin in your relection
how there were moments
you became every bit of him
you understood him
you felt those same demons
runnin thru your blood

I'm not him…
I've learned…
I have carried the weight of him
like sand bags
thrown over my shoulders
I've felt his demons
I've tasted his poison
but I can see past his shadow
I. am. not. him.

oh?…you're not?…
what bout the time
you looked your brother
in the eye
and told him
that you wanted to die
the way your fists
rained down on him
for wantin to help you
how you wanted so badly
for him to feel the pain
that you felt inside
wantin him to hurt
for denyin you relief
the one person
the one fuckin person
who stayed with you
while every one else gave up tryin
to save you from yourself
remember the steel against your wrists
remember?…
I do


I wasn't…
we weren't…
I know…
I was the fire
I was the flood
I was the earthquake
I was the aftermath
but I'm learnin
to be a pause
to be solid ground

remember pacin carpets
talkin to shadows
when you couldn't out run your mind
convincin yourself
you were meant for somethin bigger
somethin beautiful
is that what this is?…
is that what you're doin now?…
don't you know you can't erase
what you are?…

no…
but I can choose
what I become
I deserve the chance

that's fuckin adorable…
we both know
what you deserve
it isn't peace
it isn't poetry
it isn't music
it isn't love
it isn't redemption
you were born of chaos
bred to be broken
it's in your blood
in your bones
in every misfirin thought

sometimes…
in the quiet moments
I think I could be…

what do you think you can be?…
when you already know
who you are
when the mask slips
when the mania hits
when the depression engulfs you
when the bottle calls your name
without me that is all you can ever be…

listen closely now…
I have not denied you
I have not pretended
that a war was never fought
I haven't forgotten
that you kept me breathin
when the very breath inside of me
felt like betrayal
but I…
you…
we are more than scattered bones
we can speak with lightnin
without settin fire to the sky
we can turn chaos into creation
you are my first language
but I have learned
the feel of new words
and how they roll from my tongue
how they fall from my lips
and they taste like power
and freedom
and peace
and you will not
take that away from me
I have not forgotten
I have not turned you away
stay monster
stay…
but sit the fuck down
and know your place
and watch how
I turn the ashes of our wreckage
into fuckin wings…