Periodic Table of Arguments

 
 
Oxygen, a fiery little redhead with a southern drawl, tapped her foot impatiently.
 
 "Hydro, honey, you're fixin' to make a fool out of yourself. Carbon is obviously gonna choose me. We make water together, darlin'.  Everybody needs water.  It's the lifeblood of everything!"
 
Hydrogen, Oxygen's nervous little sister with a squeaky voice, wrung her hands.  
 
"You're so bossy!" Whispering loudly. "So grabby! You hog all the electrons! I offer Carbon a nice, even share.  Think of all the cool stuff we can build together – hydrocarbons, the whole shebang!"
 
Carbon, a slow-talking deliberate sort with a voice as smooth as molasses, sighed.  "Now, now, y'all settle down. I appreciate the courting, but it's my decision.  Oxygen, you're vital, no doubt. Like the power plant of life. Hydrogen, you're good for buildin' things, like tiny Legos and those little transport proteins.  But I gotta consider all my options."  
 
Oxygen scoffed. "Options?  There ain't no options! Water's essential! It's what makes sweet tea possible!  You'd be plumb crazy to choose anyone else!"
 
Hydrogen, emboldened, piped up, "Don't let her bully you, Carbon! She just wants to boss you around! I offer stability! Flexibility!  Plus, I'm smaller.  Easier to work with and spin.  Think of all the possibilities!"
 
Carbon rubbed his chin thoughtfully. "Y'all are both mighty persuasive.  This is a tough one.  Maybe I should just go off by myself and think on it a spell.  Carbon ambled off, leaving Oxygen and Hydrogen to glare at each other like two dogs over a bone.
 
Oxygen muttered, "If he chooses you, I'm gonna be downright combustible!"
 
Hydrogen gulped.  "Well, everything burns eventually, right?"
 
 
Unseen by the arguing pair, over in the corner, Helium had been silently observing the whole scene.  Helium, a noble gas, is famously unreactive and doesn't form bonds with other elements (under normal circumstances).  Slidding his glass down the bar,  he gave a hiccup, and a little chuckle, lingering, and then like a gentle breeze, the old bloke just floated off - out the window, serenely.