An Unspoken Truth

Reflecting on the toxic relationship I was in earlier this year, there's a profound truth that I have learned. A truth that's unseen. Unspoken. The forbidden truth. The truth that inconveniences men who don't get a lot of women. It is this very truth that shakes me to my core. Fear. So much fear around it.
 
As a woman with a more positive aura than the man I was with and who was an easy magnet for men, I knew from the beginning that I felt uncomfortable. But as usual, I ignored that feeling.
 
He was one of those nice guys who said all the right words, but his actions told a darker story. One of hate, passive aggressiveness, and anger. As time went on, it got worse and worse.
 
At some point, he accused me, saying that I was going to tell the nurses that he raped me. When all I said was that I might want to do a rape kit to see about the sexual abuse of my father. What I really remembered was him dismissing me, saying that they can't do a rape kit for sexual abuse that long ago. And him not taking me home from his trailer. He terrified me, and I did anything in my power to convince him to take me home. I said all the right things, the quick forgiveness, the understanding him well. When there was no real talk about how I was feeling scared about his actions. Of course not, because people don't always do that.
 
 Multiple, multiple times he was disrespectful and hostile towards me. Making me feel guilty for him having to pay for pizza at the mall because he was too poor. Him taking the call of United Healthcare on my phone and asserting his dominance over my decisions. Making me feel frozen when he kicked the door in front of me and had talked to the lady on the phone about my new phone. Felt so small, so little about even needing his help in the first place, and his lack of understanding and anger towards the lady felt...forceful. About him saying I was selfish because I was hesitant to do what he exactly wanted, causing me to call 666. Because the devil seemed more appealing than even this guy.
 
Also, speaking of little, he had a tiny penis, and that scares me for the reasons you might not expect. It's the power imbalance at play here. I'm a girl highly sought after whereas he was a man who couldn't get many women. He was controlling, and I felt tied down when dating him. Which is why it lasted for less than 7 days. I felt controlled and forced to be with him rather than free to be with him. Which is why if I had a ring, it would be an elastic band surrounded by leaves to represent the fact that I'm not confined to this person. I am free to choose them over and over again.
 
Tiny penis men scare me, and complacent men rather than ambitious men make me feel like I have to play small just to compensate for their lack of purpose. This does not mean I want a man obsessed with the status quo, but I also resent men who can't keep up. The guy couldn't swing fast on a swing like I could. He had diabetes. All of these things didn't make me feel equal to him.
 
I felt...small. Underloved. Undervalued. Underappreciated. Like he was secretly jealous of me and the fact that I love Josh instead. The fact that I love a man who outshines him.
 
This guy I dated shortly made me learn my own toxic traits without denying those parts of me. Still, the part of me that feels like dragging against the current of my possessive side is there. But I'm learning I don't have to be afraid. Just admit that it's there and assess what it needs.
 
And what it needs ultimately in the end is love and security. To know I'll be okay even if I get rejected or don't get my way or if life isn't perfect.
 
I don't have to become my mom, but I also don't have to hate my mother either. I can love for who she is and who she is not.
 
And I can love me, all of me.