This Feeling

I...  
am a ghost,  
inhabiting these brittle bones,  
wearing a suit of armour made from flesh and skin,  
though it's not much good as armour.  
Doesn't stop the bullets that shoot from tongues around you,  
and it does naught to protect the mind.  
Spinning clockwise in a counter-clockwise world around me?  
That's me.  
 
I'm lost,  
somewhere between point A and point B I slip into non-existence.  
I glide through a crowd like a shadow,  
unnoticed,  
unacknowledged.  
 
I am the sum of all the shards of my shattered soul.  
Most the pieces are still there, but they do not fit. Because these little fragments get lost with every fracture.  
Every fracture, every fraction, every action, every subtraction,  
the lil fragments add up, wherever they are, to a substantial proportion,  
in conjunction with every function I appear to be lacking, I have this...  
This...  
This... Feeling.  
Feeling I cannot put a name to.  
I feel it... eating away at me...  
it hurts.  
I fear it,  
this feeling,  
it has such control, whilst I have none.  
I fear what it is doing to me.  
Why me?  
Why now?  
Have I not carried you far enough these many years? You choose to only weigh heavier.  
I am crumbling  
under this weight.  
 
...  
 
I'm awake,  
I fell asleep for 10-15.  
Felt eternal.  
I feel incapable.  
Apologies for not doing anything I was meant to  
 
...  
 
Help...  
I'm crying for help inside.  
I am lost again,  
I know not what I feel.  
I'm cold.  
I just felt the strangest shiver.  
Forgive my rambling,  
I've nowhere else to go  
 
...  
 
Oh hello.  
I am slipping in and out.  
Apologies if i disappear for a while,  
slipping in and out of awake and asleep.  
There are no words for it directly.  
It is a feeling that should not exist but does,  
and i feel it crawling, creeping, consuming, clawing at me,  
whatever it is,  
unknown.  
But  
it feels like...  
something trying to escape.  
I feel this pain like something is trying to break out of my chest and be free.  
I felt a lot... some... weekend ago?  
Then I stopped feeling,  
and now the feeling feels me.  
Hope,  
fading like sunset,  
gone.  
Every dream shatters,  
I mustn't keep trying to pick them back up.  
Hope cuts deeper than anything,  
I remember little else  
 
...  
 
...A shoulder to cry on and a voice to ease my mind. Arms to hold me in comfort and a heart that loves for me...  
We all want the unattainable.  
I know of nothing else that could make me happy in this moment  
 
...  
 
I don't really remember much from today...  
why does this happen?  
When was the last time I was well?  
Around 10 years ago?  
It's been so long...  
Why... why am i like this?  
I didn't ask for any of this,  
and that cold shiver feeling returns as if to mock me. It knows why I'm like this.  
I wasn't made for this world.  
 
...  
 
I have my routines I have to fulfil,  
I can't just... deviate from that.  
Routine is the smallest resemblance of purpose I have left,  
and if I don't stick to my routines, things don't get done.  
 
Why am I alive?  
Why won't this world just let me sleep instead?  
Don't wake me!  
The feeling doesn't want me around anyway.  
I feel I offer little here.  
More that I drag others down with me. Sink with me in my drowning feeling.  
I don't know why I am this way?  
Ten years...  
Time is... so strange.  
My heart hurts...  
 
...  
 
Where am I in all this. Where have I gone?  
I cant find myself,  
just this feeling.  
Who's living my life right now?  
I'm not living,  
I'm existing.  
This feeling controls me,  
This...  
This fucking feeling!  
I hate it.  
It hates me.  
This feeling wants me dead,  
I can hear it.  
I keep hearing it,  
the way it whispers without words,  
and sometimes it goes away a while,  
but it always finds its way back.