A Letter To My Fear

 
Dear Jonah,

When I woke up that day, I had no idea I’d Lose everything.

Considerable courage
It takes to survive
A fate worse than death

Dear Jonah,

This may be too soon to write to you, I’m supposed to be writing a letter to my fear

But I keep getting distracted by the Immense joy I still feel when I think of you,
Is it too soon?

Dear Jonah,

Forced to plan your funeral.
The simple semblance of past tense or Past particle wafting up—
Sparkle, sparkle is
What I saw at your requiem

Dear Jonah,

- [x] Spotify List- “Somewhere Over The Rainbow” Judy Garlund edition, “Tears In Heaven”, “Beautiful Boy”, “Joy Of My Life”
- [x] Memorial Photo Slide Show
- [x] Clothes & Shoes- A suit because he’s never worn one before. The little boys will wear purple bow ties and Gavin and Ryan will wear purple ties. The girls will wear purple bows in their hair. Bring his purple shoes, but have them take them off before cremation so that Jasper can have them when he gets older.
- [x] Flowers- Purple Tulips—Purple is his favorite color— he’s a purple person
- [x] Gifts For Kids- Metal keepsake keychain with his 1st day of 8th grade photo in front of the rock wall
- [x] Sharpies- To write messages on his casket to be cremated
- [x] Send Dad photos to be enlarged
- [x] Order vegan cupcakes
- [x] Find “Peek-A-Who” book— His favorite baby book
- [x] Buy Legos for friends and family to build
- [x] Write Eulogy
- [x] Witnessed cremation

Dear Jonah,

Please forgive me, but I didn’t want the bugs to get you. What I’m sorry the most is that I donated your eyes;

Greenish, yellowy of the sky blue
Mixed with the auburny amber of
Your magnificent long hair
Damn near perfect you were!
And other donated organs
That can’t compare

Dear Jonah,

No one really knows what witnessed cremation is like until they have to put their baby in a cheap box with sharpie messages written on it.

It’s all ceremonial when the big strong men of your family become pallbearers. But it’s a nightmare riding to the crematorium. It gets even worse when the funeral directors do their best to let you think you’re in control.

Mommy closed the door and
Daddy pressed start

We sat in white lawn chairs and
Stared blankly and
Watched an old
Machine make noises
Operate in way we
Couldn’t comprehend

Dear Jonah,

It’s been 10 months since you’ve been gone. I’m still just as sad as I was that day I got the call.

But not as sad as when everyone knew what happened to you before me, or even now there’s still people out there that know more than me.

Dear Jonah,

I’ll explain.

You left us, your loving family
Because of bullies
People who didn’t know you,
People who didn’t matter,
People who wouldn’t know
What it would be like without you.