The Moment I Knew

I kept seeing that purple dinosaur ride, its teeth seething.
And then, it came- this constant thumping noise that I heard outside of my mind. From the time I had forgotten about- me humping that Scooby Doo pillow-thing.
And somehow, in that moment, I thought I knew.
That my father may have sexually abused me.
And then, the biggest scream erupted from me outside that abuse shelter, in that backyard playground, where innocence was supposed to be.
Two female facilitators came, and as I saw them, I ran to the gazebo, in the very back of the outside area as if though I was on the edge of the earth, about to fall off.
I don’t remember their words to me now. I just know I felt smothered by their presence. Like they were sucking the life out of me.
I think it was around this time that I texted J that I wanted to end my life. I had done this with other guys in the past, guys that I particularly liked, to see if they’d care if I was gone.
From what he texted; I think he did. He said that it was a permanent solution to a temporary problem; that I just needed to eat and drink and to not do anything stupid.
He was still in my life, but soon, he’d be gone.
All because I said something to change his mind.
That we should separate, that he should go to an abuse shelter himself, that he shouldn’t be living there with his abusive father, and so forth.
The dumbest, craziest thing I could have said.
I thought it was the right thing, but unfortunately, it was far from it.
Far from what I needed to do.