Multiples

If I were a mirror...
the repeated abuse shattered me
into five known fragments -
all created to serve and protect!

Paula was born to an evil bitch
named Margaret after the actress
who played the wicked witch
of the west in the Wizard of Oz.

By age four, her mother was with
an evil counterpart who raped and
beat Paula who could do no right.
Unknowingly Paula created Angel.

Angel tried to be perfect and always
anticipated the needs, wants and
digusting desires of the adults around her -
to minimize abuse to herself and Paula.

Paula became "Little Paula" and she shrank nearly away.  Inside a safe room in her head.  Only candy, ice cream and cartoons would bring her out on rare occasions.  Fear would always send her back inside.

One day, Angel was beaten, stomped and sodomized for buying the wrong brand of toilet paper and Samantha was created.  Angel hid with little Paula crying - neither healing nor dealing with it!

Samantha had make-believe magic like the witch on Bewitched.  She pretended problems disappeared with a wiggle of her finger.  Grandpa dying and her aunts and mother gang raping her killed Samantha.

A stronger alter suddenly appeared. Lynda was
A wonder of might. So strong, that after several card nights of sex abuse - she said "fuck this shit" and was never seen again!  Like Cousin Denise!

A tiny catatonic body spent 3 months In a facility where severe abuse was determined and the little girl
went into foster care. Jimmy raped a woman and fled state. CPS achieved it's goal to reunite the family!

But the child who returned to the family was "Buck".
A male alter who laughed off everything. At times he even had the upper hand.  He knew he was "female" outside and called Paula. He played the game.

He knew nothing of the others.  He remembered nothing from before the facility. He didn't for a moment think Margaret was even his momma!  He took to the life a little too well.  Scary!

Little Paula and Angel watched on from inside the safe room along with Samantha's dead alter body - left as a reminder of what could happen. These were very awkward teen years where Buck took no shit.

Almost resigned to the abuse, Buck accepted it and vowed eventual revenge.  Seeing a future of non-existence. Angel, now older, began slipping back out.  Buck was none too happy!

Buck had blackouts.  He was being told that he said and did things out of his character.  Life was a mess.
But there was sure plenty of sex even though
It was creepy not having a dick and doing family.

One day, Buck met Fat Boy across the street who was a violent closeted teen fag.  Buck woke up three years later suddenly married to him and being anally raped.  Angel had blacked out and couldn't hold control.

Angel finally revealed herself to Buck and the voices in his head spurred yet another facility stay.  Buck opened his eyes as the female body gave birth to a little boy.  Buck screamed and died!  No more!

Angel was then the primary. Buck and Samantha's faux bodies disappeared and Little Paula shrunk to pocket size.  Life went on and Angel just dealt with it. The safe room was empty only a short time.

A fractured skull from a metal bar put Angel back in the safe room. Fat Boy went to jail and Little Paula became New Paula and had to come out or die!  I chose to live...causeously. But I was so afraid!!!

Angel recovered but remained inside most of the time. I didn't like being New Paula. Too much responsibility. But it "was" MY LIFE!  Hubby 2, another mistake, hit me twice and went to Jail.  I couldn't catch a break!  But...

I fell madly...deeply in love. Joey was a responsible guy who lavished me with love!!! Most girl's dream guy!  But it wasn't what I was used to...so it ended. I ended it!  Hurt us both, but what's done is done!

I have nightmares and Angel fights my inner demons. I learned to cope. Angel learned to take tiny steps back out.  Both of us fear the unknown and what we can't control. But we move forward hand in hand!

I'm best doing simple things but Angel has to take over the complex stuff. Angel has now dropped the nickname. We are Paula!  We have nearly merged after 5 decades of living Hell!

Today is my birthday. 12/28/74.  A rebirth.