I Choose Me

I choose me. More than anyone in this world.

I finally believe I can be chosen. But I still choose me over fitting into someone's box.

I do believe Josh was a rare connection I had made since he was my twin flame.

I know why I feel the way I do. Because the people who tended to be there for me during my mental illness stuff either only had a soulmate level connection with me or they were very abusive and toxic. I've learned that codependency is NOT love.

Do I love my mentally ill sister? Sure I do. Will I tolerate her toxic behaviors as a result of her mental illness? No, I won't, and I don't have to. Because that's not what love is.

Love is the freedom to choose yourself and the freedom to choose that person. That one person you know you've been waiting for.

I have let go of Josh because I prioritize myself and my happiness. But it doesn't mean I'll stop loving him.

Compared to many men, he has a pure heart of gold. I can tell because I have extreme emotional intelligence. I had to learn it through many adverse experiences. I know who's an abuser and who isn't very easily. I can spot controlling behavior from a mile away. That's why I got out of that relationship with Mike very quickly. I knew the relationship was toxic, but I kept shunning my intuition due to loneliness. But honestly, when I think about it, I'm not lonely. I have plenty of positive experiences to look back on.

A black haired girl in jail who was singing Gold by Kiiara with me and was vibing with me.
A guy who was a Satanist in the mental hospital who I became best friends with.
A girl named CJ who was cool, kinda controlling, but I still admire her to this day.
A guy I'm still friends to this day named RJ who loves video games even more than I do, us laughing and just being the best friends we were.

I'm a magnet for deep relationships always. I may not make friends everyday, but when I do have those short lived moments, it's miraculous.