Today

It's quiet in the bathroom.
I hate the quiet.  Because I
always think I hear someone
sneaking up on my goodies.

I turn the radio up to drown out
potential attackers.  The tub fills.
I like it hot to imagine it
burning off the past "touches".

As I undress, I look at the steaming
water and remember mother holding
my head under when I was just 4 -
"You dirty filthy man-stealing cunt!"

I shiver at the memory and the coldness
of the bathroom.  Heat costs money.
I look at the loving leg bruise the stinky
man gave me Friday for touchy touch.

I lower down into the tub and light a candle.
It's more scary than relaxing - my bedroom fire
at age 9 flashes back!  My screaming
as flames were everywhere!

The scent of the candle can't cover the
remembered burning stench of my sister's skin.  She survived...that.  But gone later.  I shudder
remembering her death.

Breathe deep.  Exhale.  Breathe.  Exhale.
The steaming water and deep breathing
make me dizzy.  I sip cold water to cool off.
The candle flickers scare me!

I can't fucking do this!  The counselor is
fucked in the head!  This didn't help.  I'll
wash in the sink in the morning - the sink
doesn't hold bad memories.

I pull the plug and climb out.  6 minutes!
A new record for me and the tub.
I start to dry off and I hear a pounding noise.
Startled...piss runs down my legs!

"Turn off that fucking radio!  I have to
Work on the morning!"  Hubby #1's voice
thundering in my head!  He's dead too!
The pounding wasn't real either...but...

Today's a better day than yesterday!!!