Why I'm Not Interested in Dating

I see other guys as jealous gods trying to gaslight me and dishonor the one part of my past that lit up my world: Josh. Interesting that in Hebrew, his name means "He rescues."
 
Sigh. I rather sit here, stirring my cup, in a daze. Wondering.
 
Than to be with men who are cruel and are the real ones who made me feel used.
 
I guess I will be waiting till marriage now, but there will be no guy. Only me.
 
I was told by Lenny that I think that people should be jealous of Josh.
 
No.
 
They ARE jealous.
 
I'm not fooled.
 
This is why I resign to my usual staring into space, into nothingness that is here.
 
Wondering if the one thing that made me believe in God more than anything
 
will ever make its way back to me.
 
Like Prodigal son.