deepundergroundpoetry.com
Neo Wise
Rains dwindle to a stair rod thimble
idle clouds drift, as an empty wind rags
the wilted landscape. In her basin -baked
cake-cracked pond, the shrink-wrapped Toad sleeps
deep. Birds reflect in mirrored silence—brooding.
In the tranquil holiday harbour, where
tawdry lights and turbulent pavement throngs
spill along lines of cafes and arcades,
among smells of chips, ice cream, and beer—
we watch deep clouds accumulating,
building in towering, darkened billows.
Rains, teeming down, scrub foliage and rock,
soak fields, replenish dry streams and ponds.
Dormant Toad stirs in her dampened chamber,
and the wellspring’s rusty coils are loosened.
Respite in solitude, curled between now
and then—the next moment winks, it whistles,
nodding to the Sun, the sky, sand and sea.
The comet drifts to a near Earth orbit, and
Autumn slips an Indian Summer Sky.
idle clouds drift, as an empty wind rags
the wilted landscape. In her basin -baked
cake-cracked pond, the shrink-wrapped Toad sleeps
deep. Birds reflect in mirrored silence—brooding.
In the tranquil holiday harbour, where
tawdry lights and turbulent pavement throngs
spill along lines of cafes and arcades,
among smells of chips, ice cream, and beer—
we watch deep clouds accumulating,
building in towering, darkened billows.
Rains, teeming down, scrub foliage and rock,
soak fields, replenish dry streams and ponds.
Dormant Toad stirs in her dampened chamber,
and the wellspring’s rusty coils are loosened.
Respite in solitude, curled between now
and then—the next moment winks, it whistles,
nodding to the Sun, the sky, sand and sea.
The comet drifts to a near Earth orbit, and
Autumn slips an Indian Summer Sky.
Published 11th Nov 2024
| Edited 14th Nov 2024
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14th Nov 2024 4:36pm
Firstly, I love the thick imagery of this submission. Especially that third and fourth stanza, which are not only perfectly rendered, but a beautiful way to end the poem, imho. If the suggestions are difficult to follow, I have posted how it would read under the critique as a visual.
Where you could use a bit of tweaking, imho, is the first two stanzas, especially to enhance the enjambments:
Rains dwindle to a stair rod thimble, and ( do you really need "and"? How would it read without it? )
idle clouds drift, as an empty wind rags ( love the use of "rags" here )
the wilted landscape. In her pond, basin ( I would suggest hyphenating basin-baked on this line and flipping the syntax to end with "pond")
baked and cake-cracked, the shrink-wrapped Toad sleeps, deep. ( suggest moving "deep" to the next line to enhance the enjambment )
Birds reflect in mirrored silence—brooding. ( excellent )
In the tranquil holiday harbour—where ( the long dash is out of place here and interrupts a sentence rather than emphasize. )
tawdry lights and turbulent pavement throngs ( nice )
spill along lines of cafes and arcades, ( I know the verb "spill" is referencing the noun "lights"; however, why do I want it to say "spills" ? I think because of the continuation of consonance it would create. Any possible way it could be just "light"? )
among smells of chips, ice cream and beer— ( would LOVE to have some good English chips right now - I suggest an Oxford comma after ice cream ( unless you like ice cream and beer together! Excellent use of the long dash here )
we watch deep clouds accumulating, ( I suggest an end stop here )
Below is how it would read after the above suggestions.
Rains dwindle to a stair rod thimble
idle clouds drift, as an empty wind rags
the wilted landscape. In her basin-baked pond,
cake-cracked, the shrink-wrapped Toad sleeps
deep. Birds reflect in mirrored silence—brooding.
In the tranquil holiday harbour
tawdry light and turbulent pavement throngs
spills along lines of cafes and arcades
among smells of chips, ice cream, and beer—
we watch deep clouds accumulating.
Nice to see you back!
Where you could use a bit of tweaking, imho, is the first two stanzas, especially to enhance the enjambments:
Rains dwindle to a stair rod thimble, and ( do you really need "and"? How would it read without it? )
idle clouds drift, as an empty wind rags ( love the use of "rags" here )
the wilted landscape. In her pond, basin ( I would suggest hyphenating basin-baked on this line and flipping the syntax to end with "pond")
baked and cake-cracked, the shrink-wrapped Toad sleeps, deep. ( suggest moving "deep" to the next line to enhance the enjambment )
Birds reflect in mirrored silence—brooding. ( excellent )
In the tranquil holiday harbour—where ( the long dash is out of place here and interrupts a sentence rather than emphasize. )
tawdry lights and turbulent pavement throngs ( nice )
spill along lines of cafes and arcades, ( I know the verb "spill" is referencing the noun "lights"; however, why do I want it to say "spills" ? I think because of the continuation of consonance it would create. Any possible way it could be just "light"? )
among smells of chips, ice cream and beer— ( would LOVE to have some good English chips right now - I suggest an Oxford comma after ice cream ( unless you like ice cream and beer together! Excellent use of the long dash here )
we watch deep clouds accumulating, ( I suggest an end stop here )
Below is how it would read after the above suggestions.
Rains dwindle to a stair rod thimble
idle clouds drift, as an empty wind rags
the wilted landscape. In her basin-baked pond,
cake-cracked, the shrink-wrapped Toad sleeps
deep. Birds reflect in mirrored silence—brooding.
In the tranquil holiday harbour
tawdry light and turbulent pavement throngs
spills along lines of cafes and arcades
among smells of chips, ice cream, and beer—
we watch deep clouds accumulating.
Nice to see you back!
Thank you for your constructive critique. As always, it is helpful, and I appreciate it.
You’re right about the closing “and” on the first line. It was added just to make the syllable count 10, ie pentameter. Yes, much better without it. Your suggestion regarding basin-baked pond were useful too.
Ice cream and beer … definitely an oxford comma here :)
I shall ponder “spill”.
Thank you again for this critique, and for the RL inclusion :))
You’re right about the closing “and” on the first line. It was added just to make the syllable count 10, ie pentameter. Yes, much better without it. Your suggestion regarding basin-baked pond were useful too.
Ice cream and beer … definitely an oxford comma here :)
I shall ponder “spill”.
Thank you again for this critique, and for the RL inclusion :))
15th Nov 2024 11:30pm
