Abyss

No wonder I was the quiet kid...
I just got off the phone with a close friend,
and I was telling him of how dark my thoughts went
as a kid...
I sometimes wish I was exaggerating when I said this...

But when I was a child,
when I played games like Donkey Kong Country 2,
I would deeply imagine the abyss
that was unseen.
What unspeakable horrors were down there.
Skeleton bones and the most vile monsters imaginable.

When I was a kid,
I'd imagine or dream about my
family deserting me and letting me die
or them dying in a fire
or the garage door crushing them.
I used to speak to this spider that was bigger than my whole door
in my mind.
I was deeply afraid of spiders,
but the monsters were my friends.
Klobber, a scary enemy from Donkey Kong Country 2 who chased you,
was also my friend.
He'd follow me everywhere
and would be waiting for my arrival
by the bottom of the stairs.

I still wonder about the abyss in that game
and am too fascinated by death.
I used to stare at tarantulas in Petco
because the thing I feared so much
became too interesting.

In talking about this earlier,
it really makes sense now
why I never let most people in
my inner world.
Most people,
as my therapist put it,
cannot see past the concept
of a coffee cup.
When I'm in complete awe
by the mystery of
this world.

I was always thought that I had to
protect everyone from myself.
But honestly,
I now can't help thinking
that everyone must be fascinated
at least on some level.
The darkness it takes to be me
and yet to be one of the good guys
who does not kill or rape.