Antithetical Addict Understanding Love

I love you…
You mean the world to me…
I’m so lost in your spell. You’ve changed my life in more than one way. Bringing me peace of heaven and the perpetual punishment of hell.
I’ve learned how to live my life surrounded by pleasing you and trying to obtain you in the best way I can possibly achieve.
Even if you’re not the best on some days it doesn’t matter cause it’s just you what I crave.
You give me such a high and when you’re gone it’s so low. When you’re around you make everything go away. You’re so warm, loving and full of life. I’m stuck wanting to keep enjoying you or letting you go free. Either way it’s going to be the end of “me”. Everyday I’m learning to come better with you and without you. Everyday I’m struggling with or without you. All the fucked up situations I’ve put myself in. What I’ve given up and what I’ve lost. I’d still risk it all for you cause without you I’d be much more than lost. Yet without you I wouldn’t have ever become the person I am today. Even with all the late night and tiresome days. You held me up while also mushing up my brain. In a constant state of hyper awareness wondering if someone is trying to harm me or take you away from me. It’s insane how I indulge in your lust not knowing how far must I go to get enough of you.. Risking death, risking life, oh how bewildered it’s made me over the years. I hate this shit why’d you have to show up and make me feel like everything could go away with just your scent. Your pale skin is oh so beautiful I love it when you dress up. Tights is no good a dress so it can fill out cause with you the more the better. Everyday I’m stuck between loving you or loving her. Everyday is a constant battle to kill be and to live better for you. Who was I even talking about? Was it you or was it the coke. Was it me or was it him. Either way we’re all fucked cause we can’t ever seen to listen. we just hear and take for granted the way people truly care and love us cause no matter what if they don’t she will. Either one of them will do. You or the drug? Without either I live in constant fear…
Constantly living trying to do better with you life’s gotten significantly better. However with my first love, I just can’t seem to let her go. I keep going back to her knowing every time she picks me up it’s to drop me to rock bottom. Higher and higher we go, how much higher will I let her take me before it’s a deathly fall 6ft down below. She takes me to all these horrible places where I’m in constant fear but all it takes is another kiss and it all goes away…
However with you, I’m learning I don’t need her and it’s so refreshing… Just… I have to kill myself… I have to sacrifice and face my fear.. becoming who I have to and need to be…
Idk what the fuck to do though… and she made me fuck up so much in life it hard to have anyone on my side. She made loved ones fear me and some of my family hate me… not me but him. The crux of the problem though is i don’t even know where to begin. Ones first love is one he shall never forget it’s true. As in as much, when he finally meets his true love, this is where it starts to get thick. I’m still learning this new woman trying to figure her out. While we both have fallen in love while we’re going through hell. We’re literally just hanging around and shooting the shit. There’s growth here and there but we’re both just missing the pitch. As we discover ourselves in our own darknesses and hesitantly try to be each other’s light. Who’s fighting for who? Who’s going to the twelfth round. Who’s winning the war while we’re both losing so many battles. Who am I even talking about is it you or my first love. Either way we both don’t have a fucking clue as in to what’s going on. We no find ourselves surrounded together in nothingness our love hanging on by a thread… in a sense why should I even fight and discover new possibilities to avenge this sinking shit… all the while I’m out here catching rides on sinking ships trying to help not understanding others full damage when I could be fixing and be repairing our own ship. The empathetic fool who loves so much yet can see his full potential. Who keeps self sabotaging his very existence because of you.
Yet who am I talking to? Also who’s asking the question? Me, him, or you?