deepundergroundpoetry.com
Traversed #2 Neutral
We framed our smiles and hung them on the walls once.
Love and happiness both need proof,
evidence of what's withered, to see
that there is a reason for this stalemate life.
Even the pictures try to hide these days;
they're more an attraction to dust than anything else.
She stands in the kitchen, focused on nothing,
staring out the window, and says:
"Just watching the world go by."
She meant that with every morbid grunt.
She stands there, while the world
spins around her, while others
spin around the world, and of course
I am the reason for her suicidal misadventure.
She dresses like she's touring the Sahara;
no visible skin except the essentials.
She points at me when the sex drive rant begins.
This is the remains of a well picked bird;
bits of cartilage still rotting on the joints,
hard, unpalatable, dry and slowly decomposing,
but we're both not hungry anymore, in fact the smell alone
churns out the pits of our long-emptied-stomachs.
Love and happiness both need proof,
evidence of what's withered, to see
that there is a reason for this stalemate life.
Even the pictures try to hide these days;
they're more an attraction to dust than anything else.
She stands in the kitchen, focused on nothing,
staring out the window, and says:
"Just watching the world go by."
She meant that with every morbid grunt.
She stands there, while the world
spins around her, while others
spin around the world, and of course
I am the reason for her suicidal misadventure.
She dresses like she's touring the Sahara;
no visible skin except the essentials.
She points at me when the sex drive rant begins.
This is the remains of a well picked bird;
bits of cartilage still rotting on the joints,
hard, unpalatable, dry and slowly decomposing,
but we're both not hungry anymore, in fact the smell alone
churns out the pits of our long-emptied-stomachs.
Published 11th May 2012
| Edited 12th May 2012
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likes 3
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comments 7
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The author encourages honest critique.
11th May 2012 10:06pm
I think there is a strong, solid voice behind this poem. And I think the poem itself is great. I love the images.
12th May 2012 7:23am
Anonymous
12th May 2012 1:35am
Here you create a fresh story from old material. It takes a good artist to do that. The narrative ticked along nicely, the images alternated between poignant and shocking, and I got a sense that you were writing about real people, not just cardboard cutouts made to do the poet's bidding.
The woman is especially well-drawn. I like how you convey her character through subtleties like "morbid grunt" and that one line of dialogue.
The last verse is amazing. The bird metaphor is done beautifully, never becoming gross or contrived, but poignant and harrowing.
Some thoughts: I think the first semi-colon should be a comma, as the clauses gel fine.
I don't think you need "so" in L3.
In L4 do "stalemate" and "life" need a dash between them?
In the second verse I think you need "it's" before "more an attraction," and maybe a semi-colon after "days."
The clauses could be better separated at the start of the third verse by putting a comma after "nothing."
L10 should begin with a capital letter.
In the fourth verse I think a new sentence should be started after "essentials," and "and" replaced with "she" then put at the start of the next line.
In the fifth verse I think the semi-colon and the comma two lines down should be switched.
These are of course all minor things, suggested merely to polish what is already a good poem. All critique is JMHO. Thanks for the read, MrAlptraum.
The woman is especially well-drawn. I like how you convey her character through subtleties like "morbid grunt" and that one line of dialogue.
The last verse is amazing. The bird metaphor is done beautifully, never becoming gross or contrived, but poignant and harrowing.
Some thoughts: I think the first semi-colon should be a comma, as the clauses gel fine.
I don't think you need "so" in L3.
In L4 do "stalemate" and "life" need a dash between them?
In the second verse I think you need "it's" before "more an attraction," and maybe a semi-colon after "days."
The clauses could be better separated at the start of the third verse by putting a comma after "nothing."
L10 should begin with a capital letter.
In the fourth verse I think a new sentence should be started after "essentials," and "and" replaced with "she" then put at the start of the next line.
In the fifth verse I think the semi-colon and the comma two lines down should be switched.
These are of course all minor things, suggested merely to polish what is already a good poem. All critique is JMHO. Thanks for the read, MrAlptraum.
12th May 2012 7:22am
Thanks, Jack. I have waxed and amended taking your advice into account.
The last verse I wasn't sure about as I waver a little from the other verses, but I think a summary or conclusion was needed.
I was trying not to make it look like an attack or show any resentment towards the woman, but I am a man haha.
Once again cheers for your good words, sharp eyes and for reading of course.
The last verse I wasn't sure about as I waver a little from the other verses, but I think a summary or conclusion was needed.
I was trying not to make it look like an attack or show any resentment towards the woman, but I am a man haha.
Once again cheers for your good words, sharp eyes and for reading of course.
Anonymous
12th May 2012 3:17pm
One thing I like about your relationship poems is their humanity and lack of childish anger.
14th May 2012 4:03am
Good poem, MrAlptraum. Relationships gone stale and a world that seems to exude mendacity, at least to them. Is how I see it.
14th May 2012 6:19pm
