Exhausted

Watching body positive media for me is like putting a band aid on a much deeper cut. It's comforting for the moment, but isn't a quick fix.

Trying on a pair of shorts yesterday that were tighter than usual, I still find that I'm triggered deeply by things like this happening. My perfectionist tendencies want to still go haywire. While I didn't fully panic, I still subconsciously was feeling helpless about it.

Hurricane Beryl hit here in Texas and made our power go out. My mom and I share one car, and more than one time, my mom would be gone with it before I even got up. Which usually meant I had to either be in the hot house or the hot outdoors. Now that I'm adjusting to the power being back on along with air conditioning, I feel sick and feel like I should rest before going back to my usual walking outside regimen.

I don't really know what exactly I'm doing wrong in terms of my weight loss goal, but either way, it's easy to feel so helpless. I try to eat healthy and walk and all that, but it still feels like it's not enough. This is not to say that I eat perfectly, but I try.

Although I'd like to consider myself body positive, I can't say I subscribe to the whole "eat whatever you want" mentality or the mentality that being overweight is not a problem. At the same time, I don't want to get obsessive like the last time I lost weight. It wasn't sustainable nor was my mind in a good headspace.

It can be a very weird dance for sure. A dance that makes me utterly exhausted.