Sin Rooms chapter 13 Stain

Date: sometime in 1993
 
“How is she?” Claire asked.
 
“Who?”
 
“You know who,” she replied, “Your friend from college.”
 
“Who? Danielle?” I pretended not to know whom she was talking about. Claire never did like Danielle. Even though she pretended she didn’t care who I befriended. Those two girls never did click ever since they met at Gatwick airport. I tried not to mention either to the other even though I had hoped after I introduced Danielle to my family they might all become friends. Unfortunately that never happened. Linda, my step mom, spelled it out for me very explicitly. “She is not your type…” she said. As for Claire she was too timid to be that specific. However every once in a while she would throw a stone to display her dismay at my choice of acquaintances in London. I should have known oil and water could never mix. After that mistake at the airport I tried not to put any of them in the same room together.  
 
“I haven’t seen her for a long time,” I told Claire. Which was true. I had not seen Danielle for quite some time. More than five months to be precise; five months, three weeks, four days and two hours.
 
“You haven’t been yourself lately,” Claire was curiously worried, “Is there something wrong between the two of you?”
 
“Who? You mean with Danielle?” I feinted ignorance once again. “No. There is nothing wrong between us,” I replied. “Danielle and I are just friends. There is nothing going on between us. Besides, she has already graduated from college and has probably moved on by now.” I added.
 
“Good,” was all the reply I needed to confirm what I already knew.
 
“You didn’t like Danielle, did you?” I stupidly asked Claire. I have no idea why I asked that question. I guess I was a little curious, but mainly stupid.
 
“Noooo… well, maybe. We’ve only met for a few minutes during that brief ride from the airport,” Claire replied. “I don’t know her that well,” she added. “But I don’t think we could have become friends.”
 
“Why is that?”
 
“I don’t know,” Claire shrugged. “I just didn’t like her, that’s all.”
 
“Why?”
 
“I don’t know,” Claire repeated her dismay at my insistence once again. “I think we probably don’t have that much in common.”  
 
I stopped right there before I got myself into more trouble. “Yes, well, I guess I don’t have that much in common with Danielle either.” I lied to my hearts discontent. I don’t know why I did that either. I’ve always been a good liar. Or maybe I was angry because Danielle left without saying a word. I also did not want Claire to know how I felt nor what I did with Danielle. Or maybe it was all of the above.
 
“Good.” Claire closed the discussion. That was the one and only conversation Claire and I ever had regarding Danielle. Since then I’ve never mentioned my college friend in front of Claire ever again. They’ve never met since then. Hopefully they never will.
 
“So, shall we order some Pizza?” I asked Claire trying to change the subject. “We still have lots of work to do.”
 
“WHAT?” Claire exclaimed. “I thought you said we were finished for today.”
 
“I did, but you keep distracting me with all that talk about Montessori. We still have to finish the last coat of paint before we leave.”
 
“Come on!!! I told you I’m going out with some friends from college tonight.” Claire puffed out her annoyance at me for making her work all day.  
 
A few months ago, my father had decided to buy a small three bedroom flat in London. Before he went back home, he left me in charge of doing some renovations on his newly acquired property. He figured it was a good investment which we could use while we were studying in the UK as well. “Two birds in one stone,” he said. He also wanted Claire to stay with me in this apartment and not in a college dorm somewhere. She was like a daughter to him. I was making Claire earn her keep by helping me do some touches on my father’s flat. Besides, I also enjoyed spending time with my childhood friend. That’s three birds in that same stone.
 
I was looking forward to moving into the same apartment with Claire. I’ve known her since we were kids. We’re practically family. Heck we’ve even slept in the same bed together many times since we were four years old. However this was the first time we were going to be living under one roof as adults. I was glad Claire decided to stay in London for her studies. She was exploring her educational career and she wanted to pursue a one year Montessori educational diploma before deciding what she wanted to do with her life. Claire loved kids and a degree in education was on the top of her list.  
 
“WHAT?” I exclaimed. “You can’t seriously be thinking of going out with your friends looking like that!”
 
“WHY? What do you mean looking like that?” Her eyes bulged with fearful surprise. “What’s wrong with the way I look? It’s the acne isn’t it? I told you the smell of paint is going to bring them out again…” fear with a touch of teenage insecurity.  
 
I dipped my finger in a paint bucket and traced a white line from her forehead down to the tip of her noise. “You have paint all over your face.” I explained and she exploded.
 
“YOU ASSHOLE…” she swore out loud.
 
She dipped her fingers inside that same bucket and smudged her hand all over my face before running out of the room giggling along the way. She knew I was going to follow. That brought out old memories from when we were kids. I remembered she would pinch me when she needed attention and I would follow to reciprocate. We hadn’t pinched for years. I thought it  was time we did again. When I finally caught up to her, I pinned her hands to the wall, our bodies pressed so she could not move. I finally had her under my control until our eyes met. Suddenly I felt something shockingly different. An emotion I never felt before. I just realized we weren’t kids anymore. I froze up as our eyes locked. The next minutes that followed were as cold as hell. I was sweating like a river. I could sense she was waiting for something. An overdue kiss, maybe, which I could not give. I knew if I did, it would open a whole new world of possibilities I could not shy away from. I didn’t know what kind of emotions were those or how I was supposed to interpret them without hurting her. I couldn’t do that to her unless I was absolutely sure. It wasn’t fair to either of us. So I pulled back and left her standing alone on that wall. Her eyes closed, hair mingled, with a white stain on a disappointed face.
 
“I have to leave,” she said. “My friends are waiting for me.” She walked away to clean up and change her clothes before she left.  
 
“Don’t worry about the paint,” I replied. “I’ll finish up. Go and enjoy yourself.”
 
The next few days were as cold as an arctic winter. It was one of the coldest weeks on records with snow covering the streets of London to their brink. Children were playing in Hyde Park as I was walking from the bus stop toward my father’s apartment. I was almost ready to finish with the renovations and I wanted to move into that flat as quickly as I could. Suddenly she bumped into me.
 
“DANIELLE!?!?” I almost slipped on the frozen sidewalk.  
 
“Oh… Hi Sam,” was all she did say. She didn’t even give me a hug or a kiss, just a frigid “Hi”, colder than the howling wind blowing around us.
 
“WHERE THE FUCK HAVE YOU BEEN?” I couldn’t but explode at her. “I called you many times. You didn’t answer. I even went to your place and knocked on your door. I WAS WORRIED SICK.”
 
“I’m okay,” she whispered. I could barely hear her voice. Winds were gusting and snow was falling all over my face. She thought those drops of water running from my eyes down to my cheeks were tears. “I’m fine, really Sam,” she said. “You didn’t have to worry about me.”
 
“ARE YOU KIDDING ME?” I snapped at her again. “You left without saying a word. OF COURSE I’VE BEEN WORRIED.”
 
“Are you going to keep yelling at me ON THE STREET LIKE THAT !?” She finally snapped back. “People are starting to stare at us.”
 
“Okay , okay… let’s go to your place so we can talk.”
 
“I moved out of that old flat,” she said. “Now I live a few blocks from here.” She pointed to where her apartment was located and said. “Let’s go,” promoting me to follow.
 
Danielle’s new place was a far cry from her old cluttered apartment which she had shared with a college room mate. This one was located on an affluent street in the Kensington area. It was a one bedroom flat which had it all; a little kitchenette overlooking the living room with a large TV and an expensive entertainment system, a small bedroom and a cramped bathroom with a shower. The perfect accommodation according to London’s standards. However the flat was sparsely decorated, empty of everything that defined Danielle. No books, no pictures of stars or planets, no magazines or erotic novels that she loved to read. It just didn’t feel right. It was too un-Danielle to be right.
 
“Would you like a tour?” She offered the instant we entered the door, seeing the surprise on my face as I kept looking left and right.
 
“Sure.”
 
As I said, the place was perfect. Everything was where everything was supposed to be. An immaculate apartment which radiated opulence, lush and comfort. Even the box of condoms which sat atop the night stand was neatly placed in a mosaic tray next to a bottle of lubricant. I wasn’t aware that Danielle used condoms. Well, at least she never used one with me. However it wasn’t my place to ask why or with whom she had been practicing safe sex. I never pretended we were exclusive or anything of that nature. Danielle and I were just friends so I didn’t ask her about the box. It just didn’t look right sitting next to her bed.  
 
“That’s a nice place you have here,” I complimented her on her new accommodations before sitting down on a two seater cushy silk patterned sofa that matched the curtain drapes on her windows. She didn’t acknowledge my compliment.
 
“Would you like some tea?” She asked instead. Danielle never asked when it came to tea. She usually shoved that brew in my hand before I had the chance to say, “no thanks.”  
 
“Sure.” I replied.
 
A few minutes later we were both sitting on that couch each with a hot cup of tea in our hands. “Are you going to tell me what is going on or should I leave.” I asked after the tea started to get cold, seeing she did not even take a sip from her favorite drink.  
 
“So what have you been up to all those months?” I asked again, trying to get her to talk. “You must have landed a very good job to afford this apartment.” I added. “I didn’t know  astrophysicists get paid so good. Damn!!! I should have changed my major to yours.” Trying to lighten the tension in the air.  
 
“Why didn’t you answer my messages?” Suddenly she asked. That took me by surprise.  
 
“What do you mean?”
 
“I paged you many times,” she tried to explain. “You didn’t reply.”
 
“When was that?” I was confused.  
 
“More than five months ago,” she answered.  
 
“Oh, those,” now I remembered. “I told you I was busy with my parents back then. I was also helping Claire settle into her college. Sorry I couldn’t get back to you.”
 
“Well, you should have.”
 
“Why?” I chuckled. “I told you I couldn’t get distracted with another one of your fucking shenanigans. You knew I couldn’t afford to, not while my family was in town. They already think there is something going on between us.” I laughed again only she did not return the smile. Her face was as white as a blank piece of paper.  
 
“You’re right. There is nothing going on between us.” She replied. “It’s not like I needed you or anything like that.”  
 
“What the hell are you talking about?” I replied. “There are a hundred fellows that would kill to get in your bed. You didn’t need me for that.”
 
“No Sam. I didn’t need you for that,” she said. “I needed you for Gramma.”
 
“What about Mrs Philips?” I was confused. “Why do you need me for her?”
 
“I needed you when she died in her sleep more than five months ago.” Danielle finally spilled it out and that cup in my hand landed on the floor. What was left of my tea splashed all over her oriental carpet. For the next few minutes I could not move. Tears started spilling out of Danielle’s eyes. Mine just froze up.  
 
“I’m so very very sorry.” All those feelings of remorse, guilt, regret, love, shame, sorrow, … came flooding into me and I could not hold any of them back. “I’m so so sorry….” I tried to apologize again. Unfortunately all I could think of was my own mother and those I had left behind. I didn’t realize Danielle’s head was resting on my shoulders until I heard her weeping on my chest. For more than an hour I held her in my arms until every last drop of tears dried up. She finally stood, gave me her hand and had me follow her to the bedroom as we stepped on a wet carpet stained by tea on the carpet.
 
I don’t remember what kind of love we made that night. Danielle and I don’t usually make love. We usually just fucked. Making love was reserved for very rare occasions. Unfortunately all I can remember of that rare occasion were fucking tears, nothing else. I can’t remember if she was the one who removed my clothes or I did that all by myself. All I do remember was me lying on my back in her bed as she sat on top of me. The act of sliding my cock into her pussy was another blur. However what I do recall was her rocking herself into an orgasm as well as those tears which kept falling down on her face until her body finally stiffened and fell on top of mine. I probably didn’t have the chance to come that night. I don’t remember that I did. I couldn’t have done it even if I wanted to. We stayed locked in each other’s embrace for another hour or so, as she rested her head on my chest. We didn’t move. We didn’t talk. We just laid there waiting for the first to begin.
 
“What happened after grandma died Danielle?” I had to be the first to ask. “Please tell me.”
 
It took her some time to finally have the courage to start talking. “Nan was the one and only family I had, Sam. I didn’t realize that until I went back home to an empty house. Suddenly it dawned on me. I don’t have anyone in this world, not that I ever did. However her presence kept me anchored to a place I thought was mine. When I went back home for the last time I realized it never was. I couldn’t stay there anymore, not when she wasn’t there.” Danielle tried to explain how she felt after her grandmother passed away. “I needed you with me, Sam.” She continued. “I needed you to help me sort all that out.” She tried sniffing more of her tears away. Unfortunately they fell back down her cheeks once again. “Anyway, I had to settle her affairs, and I buried her next to her husband in Windmill.”
 
“I’m so sorry,” no apologies were enough to make up for what I did, or did not do. “I should have been there to help you. I’m so sorry. Please forgive me.” I apologized again and again.
 
“Yes, well, unfortunately there was very little you could have helped me with,” she continued to recount what happened next. “It turned out granny had leveraged everything she had to get me into that college. She hardly had enough cash left for her own funeral.”  
 
“What do you mean?” I was shocked. “What about your family house in Windmill? It must have been worth something.”
 
“She sold that a long time ago and was paying rent out of her pension so she could still live in our family home.”
 
“WHAT?”
 
“Yes… That was my reaction as well,” she replied. “She left me nothing, no money, no house, just a bachelors degree in fucking Astrophysics that is hardly worth shit.”
 
“You can’t mean that!” I reacted in more surprise. “As I see it, if she didn’t pay for your education you wouldn’t be able to afford this, now could you?”
 
“Oh.. you think I’m paying for this from my astrophysics degree?”
 
“If not then how?” I braced myself for what was coming next. I knew I was not going to like the answer to that, however I still wanted to know.
 
Danielle was a little reluctant to tell. I could see it in her eyes. She didn’t look at me as she tried to explain, “I have been trying to get a job ever since I graduated. I tried everything. To my sorrow I found out that if I wanted to have any kind of career in astronomy or astrophysics I needed to have a doctorate degree just to get in the door. I will have to remain in college for ten more years just to get a decent job, that’s if I’m lucky I will probably have to start with a teaching tenure somewhere in a third tier university which would hardly pay rent. Anyway, I don’t have the time nor the money to wait that long. I was broke. I also had more than five thousand pounds of credit card debts which I needed to pay.”
 
“What did you do?”
 
“I had to return the car, which was a lease by the way, and I moved out of my old flat.”
 
“But… how did you end up here?”
 
More silence ensued until she finally confessed, “I took the idea from your old friend.”  
 
“What old friend?”
 
“Mila.”
 
“YOU WHAT?!” I jumped out of bed and yelled at her. “HOW COULD YOU DO THAT?”
 
“STOP SHOUTING AT ME, SAM. I did what I had to do,” she said as she stood up and walked towards the bathroom. “I’m going to take a shower. Feel free to leave if you want to,” locking the door to the bathroom behind her so I would not think of following her inside. She just left me standing in the middle of the bedroom thinking of what she just said.
 
“How could she do this to me? Why did she do this to me? How could she do this to herself? Was she getting back at me for abandoning her like that? It’s all my fault. No. It wasn’t. If I was with her when her grandmother died maybe she would not have done it. I shouldn’t have told her about Mila. I shouldn’t have told her that my old friend used to work as an escort. How could I have been so stupid? Why does this keep happening to me? Why would she want to become a sex worker? Is it because of something I did? Why an escort?…” All those and many more questions came bursting in my head. I wanted to leave Danielle’s apartment. No. She asked me to leave her apartment.
 
I quickly dressed up, put on my thick woolen jacket as I heard the sound of the shower buzzing in the background. When I stepped back into the living room I noticed the cup of tea I had dropped earlier. It was still laying on the floor resting atop a large stain of Earl Gray. The carpet had drank the liquid which almost dried by the time we were making love in the bedroom. “I should have wiped that stuff before I went inside. My fault. I couldn’t leave without fixing the  mess I did…,” I thought to myself. I took a towel which I found in the kitchen, wet it a little from the kitchen tab, then knelt on the floor and started rubbing the stain off the carpet. It was a stubborn patch. As much as I tried to scrub it wouldn’t come off. However, I kept at it. This was my fault. I had to clean this up … I…
 
“What are you doing?” She startled me, but I did not reply. I didn’t even look at her as I increased the pace of cleaning that stain of the carpet.
 
“SAM,” she yelled at me. “Stop it.”
 
“WHAT?!”
 
“Don't worry about it,” she said. “I’ll clean that off.”
 
“NO,” I snapped. “I did this. This is all my fault. I’ll do it.”
 
“SAM,” she called out again. I still did not look up at her. I vigorously kept trying to scrub that stain off. “This is not your fault,” she said again.
 
“NO.” I shouted. I finely turned around and looked at her. She was standing at the entrance to her bedroom, dressed in a one piece silk lingerie that I’ve never seen on her before. “This is all my fault.” I repeated. “Everything is my fault.”

“No Sam.” She finally sighed. “I chose this. You didn’t have anything to do with this.”
 
“But why?”
 
At first she did not reply until she knelt down next to me. “I wanted to do this, Sam,” she said.
 
“Why?!” I asked again. I was still on the floor, still dressed in my thick coat.
 
“Because I like it.”
 
“WHAT?”
 
“Yes,” she replied. “When I started doing escort I thought it was going to be a temporary thing. However, I found out that I do enjoy it.”
 
“You’re an astronomer for fucking sake. WHY an escort?”
 
“I do love the stars, Sam” she confirmed. “But I realized that I love to have sex even more.”
 
“We can still fuck as much as you want.”
 
“Until when, Sam?” She asked.
 
“What do you mean until then?”
 
“Until when?” she repeated. “Until you go back home?”
 
“Yes…” I replied. “No…” I was lost between those two words. I did not have anything more to say. They just summarized all that we were, the both of us.
 
“Go home, Sam.” She finally said. “Go to your Claire and let me do what I have to do.”
 
“So that’s it?” I almost squealed. “This is over? You don’t want to see me anymore?”
 
“No… of course not, we’re friends.” she replied. “Please come back to see me whenever you want.”
 
“And when I do, are you going to make me pay for it?” I shouldn’t have said that. I regretted saying that the instant those words came fumbling out of my stupid mouth. I was angry… but mainly stupid.
 
“Get out.” She stood up and pointed to the door. “GET OUT FROM MY HOUSE.” She yelled at me. “I never want to see you again.”
 
Walking out of that apartment was one of the hardest things I had ever done. I did this to myself. I will have to live with that stain for the rest of my life. I still do. I haven’t been able to fix this as much as I tried. All I could do was go back to the rest of my life. All I could think of after I left Danielle’s apartment was that I owed Claire an overdue kiss. Another stain I still have to live with for the rest of our life. I still do.