Hotel Tango

Equinox in a couple of days
finds me right back where I began
I 'm running laps to beat the band
as a professional wheel man
It's typically steady tonight
for an indian summer's eve
But during my Mary-go-rounds
there's this asshole I can't believe

The street, traffic and neon lights
have already replaced the sun
Of course the radio is broke
making all this that much more fun
And I'm braking laws like a fiend
getting from Point A to Point B
Texting and passing on the right
and my seat belt's loose - honestly

On safari - passing zombies
that are wandering luggage chained
Shuffling through where we rendezvous
which is nothing I have explained
We pick up on the 3rd level
of the airport's parking garage
They cross over from 'Arrivals'
presenting this wicked montage

See - I get paid to people watch
and make snap judgments on the fly
If you don't catch my attention
there are more tactics to apply
I don't run off of ESP
and am looking for folks who wave
Grumpiness and hostility
is no way for us to behave

Confusion, astray or challenge
is the expression they all share
3rd floor of that parking garage
where the look of an expert is rare
That's when this moron flags me down
Him and his wife - no exception
But I think a swarm of hornets
would give a warmer reception

Standing curbside near the corner
we'll be kind and say he JUST looked dumb
Actually he looked gang banged
by Southwest pilots that got them some
Standing at 1D - jowls foaming
eyebrows furrowed and breathing fire
Me?! I'm always the friendly sort
up until you call me a liar

They have waited here for "an hour"
And I'm automatically in apt
I apologized twice perhaps
listening to this dick come unwrapped
I haven't even closed the doors yet
and they're giving this kind of grief?!
"Take it up with the hotel then
to collect that pound of flesh, there Chief"

Alongside this man was a delight
This bitchy little matriarch
Shifting the damn thing into [drive]
is more fun than an amusement park
I can't tell if it's attitude
or the incontinence that stinks
I don't owe these folks anything
no matter what the fuck he thinks

I'm the villain from here on out
responsible for everything
Or maybe HE needs a baby wipe
and to CHOKE ON A TEETHING RING!!!
Staring holes through the back of my head
and fantasizing 'bout my death
Would drag me to the depths of Hell
even if it takes his last breath

I'm sure the crusty old aarp fart
has been badgered the entire day
After a day of eating crow
he's attempting to make ME pay
Lord knows what happened last time
when he tried this shit with his bride
Stuck his balls in the carry-on
and a little part of him died

Now he's looking to get it back
and I'm fresh meat for the slaughter
I bet you these two are parents
I feel sorry for their daughter
Can you imagine this critique?
Teaching their youngster how to drive
I quit pretending to give a shit
and goose the thing to 55

The butts in back both pucker up
when we shoot through the center gap
I understand what I'm doing
and am eager to end this lap
He swears that I'm a maniac
and am looking to kill us all
No - I'm racing for green lights bitch
I know, right? I have all the gall

Not always the "funny fat guy"
there's a level of rage inside
The same that's possessed my bloodline
and with me the damn thing reside
Yell at me fucking long enough
and I'm Bruce Banner bulking up
Then my Neanderthal breaks loose
If you ever wanna know whazzup

I don't even make sense sometimes
when I'm reading the riot act
My wiring wiggles loose sometimes
My capacity's clearly cracked
Skewer this piggy long enough
I can not be held responsible
And for me to remain silent
is almost damn near impossible

By the time we reached the red light
this guy's fumbling for his cell phone
He can't figure out 9-1-1
'cause the threat level obviously grown
I dare suggest he "zip his lip"
while adding a 4 letter word
Then continued like a moron
progressing this argument forward

"I understand your shitty day
may have soiled your reasoning
I'm not your friend or enemy
and don't care for this seasoning"
I'm staring at the Taco Bell
willing the traffic light to change
He can't work his cell phone either
or perhaps he is out of range

"The police are at Burger King
answering the drive through caper
Someone else couldn't have it their way
LET'S NOTIFY THE NEWS PAPER!"
Then we're able to continue
after awkwardness settles in
I'm jocking for pole position
in a race I will never win

I yank the wheel left on a pink
You know, yellow but mostly red?
Get these people off my shuttle
before anyone's blood is shed
Pulling under the canopy
I open my passenger doors
and smugly wished them all the best
instead of hollering "UP YOURS!"

They didn't care for my sentiments
as their fumbling through the gate
A whole house packed in matched luggage
Like a moron I seal my fate
I accidentally closed her in
when I toggled the doors to close
I wasn't watching her departure
just shitty timing, I supposed

Now he's REALLY gonna call the cops
as they physically block my path
Suppose I'm the scapegoat in this
and not the raving psycho path
I am out of my league by now
moving their bags out of my way
You'd swear I was ripping them off
not concluding this bullshit play

Then they gave me a narrow birth
where I barely manage escape
Blood boiling while I disappear
along with the hotel landscape
They drag it out another day
threatening my every move
Who has time for this - I ask you
it's harshing my mellow and groove