priority is an option

 
amazes me...
how often I made those in my life a priority
while they only thought of me
...as an option
something they didn't even consider very often

here I was...clearing my calendar
giving them my undivided attention
making space for their needs
offering a compassionate ear
...& they moved along unfazed

I was a rolodex entry on their desk
...at best
certainly unworthy of a slot on their speed dial
only necessary...
when I had something...
...they needed

I stopped counting the fresh bruises
blooming on my squishy heart
every time another road had to be closed
terminating an avenue of communication
because it devolved into a one-way street
traffic only flowing in one direction
me...wholly focused on what they were saying
while nothing was heard...
...emanating from me

I don't know what it means
that I so readily put others
...before my own needs
was it compassion...
...or avoidance...
allowing tunnel vision

focusing on someone else
so I didn't have to look too hard
...at myself
at all the cracks & gaps...
in my own mental health

how tears so frequently sprinkled me
while standing head down in the shower
& how tightly I clutch the  bedraggled teddy bear in my arms
cringing in the dreaded dark
just hoping to stave off my nightly demons
praying his fur will somehow muffle the sound
...of my internal screaming

or is it because I know what it's like
...to be drowning inside
intimately familiar with the saline taste of desperation
& it destroys me a little...
seeing anyone else go through it
...alone

but I'm learning...
...to pick my spots & prioritize my life
honoring my nature as a Giver
while recognizing there are limits to my well
once contents have been depleted...
...there's nothing left for me
much less to pour into anyone else

so I'm making more careful decisions
about who & when I'm giving...
sharing the best of me...
...the selfless depths of me...
with those who show their appreciation
...silently backing away from others