Sick

I miss you and it's making me sick  
Yes, I realize the fact that I'm missing you at all  
Means I'm simply fucked in the head  
I keep asking myself what the fuck is so wrong with me  
I plead with myself to get a goddamn grip already
How could I possibly miss someone who has done what you've done to me  
Ache for someone who has brought me so low  
I end up at the same excuse as always .. that I'm on drugs
Mind altering, game changing drugs
Heavy drugs
I also like to blame it on serotonin,  dopamine and good old basic physics  
I crave you the way lungs reach and gasp for oxygen  
I am so on edge lately I could explode into a million jagged pieces  
That will never be put back together  
Not even close , not even a little bit together  
But will forever remain scattered for my young bare and wild feet
To step on and be cut by anytime I wander close to anything that resembles love
Or lust,  or the empty and fake promises of either  
Because the # you've done on me is a doozy
And isn't even in the slightest bit phased by the copious amounts of heroin  
I'm smoking  
That I keep smoking  
Hoping it will numb you away
Praying that the drugs will white out and erase your skin off of mine
Rescind the fake promises you whispered into my eager ears
Make me discount the moments that were genuine
When we let each other in to see the authentic versions of us  
When we were actually candid and allowed intimacy and vulnerability  
But all of that still remains  
Your touch your smell your laughter  
It all lingers  
Getting you out of my system is like catching lightening in a bottle  
Impossible  
You moved me in so many ways , you filled voids I didn't even know were empty
I didn't know how unhappy and stagnate I had been for years  
Until you opened the curtains and let the sunshine in  
I hadn't noticed that my laugh, the real from the gut cheeks hurting kind of laugh had
Not escaped my mouth for so long until you brought it out of me
How me settling for the bare minimum had become my normal my way of ,life
Until you put mustard on each bite of a corn dog and fed it to me while I was driving because you noticed I hadn't eaten in days  
I was so used to the abrasive, neglectful and selfish men from my past that I didnt realize how I've lived 35 years without having one of them brush away a hair from my eye or kiss me on the forehead or look me in the eyes during sex
How could you be so gentle and so intimate with me only to do this
Only to say that I was your hustle and to lie on me  
To watch you walk away from me over and over like all of this was a game  
Like I am nothing to you but a good lay and a come up after making yourself someone I can't get the fuck over  
Fuck you for that  
Fuck you for all of this  
For using me up
Even though I layed myself puddled at your feet  
You didn't have to take advantage of the broken and vulnerable heart in your hands  
But you did  
And I believe your tears that ran down your face the last few seconds I ever saw you
I believe you can't help but be this piece of shit who haunts me, even in my sleep
Because you are on drugs
How can the drugs make me obssess and you run away and be this horrible person
Who has become this fixation I cannot stop checking my phone for  
But you haven't called or text and you won't  
Usually you show face by now but you took too much this last time  
Your shame will keep you away despite my pathetic and idiotic willingness to overlook it  
You have undone me, you have made me fall apart at all seams
And while I know time really does if not heal but make wounds more tolerable and less painful  
Right now in this moment I have never felt more desperate and out of control and lonely
You could put me in a room with all my favorite people and I would still only think of you  
I've never ached for another human like I do for you
Time heals
Can we speed it the fuck up then
Let's fly 1,000 MPH into the future  
Who cares where it lands me , as long as I am not feeling this anymore
I'm completely undone at how you brought sunshine and happiness into my life  
Only to take it all away, Leaving me in a darkness that's now even darker after tasting you
After connecting with you  
Laughing with you and giving my body to you in ways no other man has had  
How is this so fucken easy for you  
I miss you  
And it's making me sick