Entry # 5

Wasn't it good enough?
The famaliarity of it all.
Oddly cold against my touch.
Twelve different heartbeats in my chest,
They try to crawl away from me.
From my hands up above like fists.
Because that angry master in the front hall,
The one holding their bloody fists at their sides:

Is me.

And even though I am sick, no one will understand that I like it hot against my wrists.
Because in the dead of night I miss every crack against me.

The stakes slicing their way into my flesh,
I wasn't always the victim,
It reminds me that I am the controller.

One of the hearts leaps from my chest and to the cellar ground,
I stomp my foot----

Stop.

This is what you think I am, isn't it?

A monster like I make myself out to be.

But, in the end, no one is at fault.

Except me.

You are my past.

Rip my skin away from my skull in a silly bit of string and blood, the black twists up between my fingers and lights up a pathway to a hidden door within a very dark hallway.
It brings me down to catch my eye,
An enemy of hope and worth nothing at all,
It feels sorry for the pain it's caused.

"They say it is sin to kill a man, not a monster, but where does one begin and the other end?"

My fingers dug it out from beneath the ground and examined each broken crevas. It smelled of soil and freshly cut grass, looked like a smooth, oval, blue stone. This whole room is dirty and blacker than anything I have ever seen in my whole life; a little dumb thought.
I see who I used to be and that devil, creature, liar.
Felt like I never felt so alone before this.

The light shined down on me.

I was a monster,
But I'm not anymore.

There's not enough apologies in the world to tell everyone how sorry I am.

I'm back to the way I was when you weren't around,
If you wanted to know what that was like I'd have to smile,
You know I can't when you want me to.

You never knew me,
No one ever does.

And I lied,
I lie to me too.

I'm pushing and pulling,
Into the ones I know will love me,
Like I love them.

[END TRANSMISSION]