how to become invisible

TRIGGER WARNING: sexual assault references  
 
I've kept my hair  
it's natural colour  
for years now  
I tell myself it's because  
it's too high maintenance  
to paint myself with rainbows
and that's partly true
 
The real truth is  
I like the air of invisibility  
I've wrapped around myself  
to make myself look  
boring, unassuming  
forgettable  
 
Last time I shrugged on
a leather jacket  
my partner almost had me
bent over the bathroom sink
before I'd even left the house  
 
And it's not that I don't want  
to get him so hard
it makes him growl with wanting  
it just wasn't the right moment  
and it makes me wonder  
how other people might see me  
and if they'd be the kind of person  
who thinks it's okay  
to assault a stranger
walking alone at night  
 
I was 28 the last time  
I was sexually assaulted  
it was 5:30pm in the afternoon
I was at the bus stop  
on the way home from work  
he was drunk  
decided to touch  
my hair  
my face
put his hands around my throat  
run his red wine fingers down my arms
make jokes about Princess Leia fantasies  
because my space bun hairstyle  
was apparently a turn on  
 
I missed my bus because  
I was so busy trying  
to talk my way out of the situation  
 
No one bothered to intervene  
 
And while I managed to get out  
of that situation  
without police intervention  
or getting raped  
the cloud of fear it left in my chest  
followed me around for months  
and I bought an emotional support  
blue owl teddy bear  
to bring me down from  
the heights of panic  
every time I remembered
the scent of wine on his breath  
the scrape of his fingers on my face  
his hands on my throat  
and the way he'd forever banished  
space buns from my hairstyle arsenal  
 
So now I keep my hair natural  
dirty blonde  
wear safe clothes  
that aren't uninteresting  
but that also don't draw attention  
 
And I rarely feel like myself  
dressed in this half-life of fear  
that still follows me around  
reminding me  
of what some men are capable of