Venting with a tired growl

Today is too long. why do these doctors insist on shoving pills in our faces like they think they actually help? this is my 4th one i've tried and oh by the goddess I feel dead inside!! The thing i wanted i've now waited years for therapy, I mean why?? CBT threw me out with the oh my yup you have way too much shit under your belt!! Then after waiting months for long term therapy I get ...oh we forgot to put you on a list!! Seriously?? you forgot? I mean I could of jumped by now or just lost it totally but its ok ...you just forgot??...Then society wonders why people go crazy and do stupid irrational things, because they are not heard or seen, they get stuck on a shelf full of pills as though they are something like a bad taste in ones mouth. Hello?? we have been knocking at that door that says help for years!! Telling you its not ok, we are not ok! In my years I have lost 4 people to suicide ok so 2 ..nope wont say it, karma...they were not nice, but ive also saved people, cut down a woman in my back yard and no she not alive, i know of people that have attempted suicide over and over, have lost the plot totally, begged to be committed and yet , nope...take another fucking pill...a pill that the effects make you feel dead, or want to be dead, or just so tired you can not live. Awesome for me who asked for help to go out without screaming from ptsd and anxiety!! So this is my 4th...in 2 weeks it'll be my 5th med, oh but i do have a psych appointment , lets just hope opening this can of worms while being a guinea pig for meds doesn't push me over...or maybe they hope that who knows, out of sight out of mind, in the ground more in pocket...sighs...sorry for the rant. Blessed be love to all -PW-