Chasing A life of never after

I'm forever chasing the smile,
like a drug after that first high,
i remember the feeling yet
i don't remember why
sometime I sit and wonder
where my life is going
is it up? is it down?
there is just no way of knowing
this uncertainty
that swirls inside
is driving me insane
eating me alive
gnawing at my brain
this isn't me you see
the real me is in here
hiding behind a shell
afraid to let you near
the girl inside has a fire burning
a tiger pacing
a devil yearning
a secret side that needs too feel
anything and everything
as long as it feels real
this outer shell of weight
th lines across the skin
they fill me with self hate
the need to feel desired
to give myself completely
to not feel so damn wired
no more pills or anxiety
just lust and love
and to feel free,
to not live a lie every day
be what I want
in my OWN way
to be the best mum they deserve
to one day leave this lie behind
to right what people may of heard
I let myself fall in a trap
he fools them well
ill give him that
I make that sacrifice that's what you do
ill be the bad one
ill see this through....