deepundergroundpoetry.com
(#1) Bright Blue Walls
‘Hey.. what are you after?’ She says
and I tell her who I’m here to see
as she buzzes me into the building
she’s a carbon copy of me
septum ring, awkwardly dressed
stick in her right hand
as we catch the lift together
stand cramped in an oblong box
as a door slides open
releasing us out into the world.
The place is like Fort Knox
as we talk through more intercoms
and it makes sense when I think
about the clientele
all the battered souls of the world
reaching for their last shred of hope.
She makes me tea in a paper cup
while I read framed quotes
about worth and beauty
and I wonder if that’s me at all
as lift bitch calls me through
she’s my counsellor now
introduces herself
pulls her baggy top down
over her threadbare skirt
explains about confidentiality
asks what I want from the session
and I don’t know in truth
I don’t know why I’m here
in these bright, blue walls
but I know I want it to end
the noise in my head
how it’s so fucking loud
thinking of 15 years ago
as if it’s still fresh
every thought
every wound
every word.
We talk for a while
I tell her what happened
and I feel it rise
that strange darkness
I push down into myself
to feel safe
because
I don’t want to let it out
to wreak havoc on myself
to Godzilla a fucking town.
I note details of that quiet room
a coaster with a fern leaf
a box of Kleenex
that plant that seems to exist
in all therapy rooms such as this
as if it’s calming
but it’s not calming
it’s crooked
with decaying edges
and in need of love.
Maybe it angered me
because I saw myself there
a plant
a buried root system
confined to a large pot
in a hot room
talking about my
fucking inability
to stand straight
and it comes out of me
pours out of me like a dam
that broke after an epic storm
this violent version of love
the guilt I feel
it goes on
and on
and on.
When the session ends
I reverse Fort Knox
the oblong box
the buzzing of a door
sit in a cafe
with an oat milk hot chocolate
watch people float down the street
without memories
working with purpose
with meaning
must be nice
Published 7th Jun 2024
| Edited 14th Jun 2024
All writing remains the property of the author. Don't use it for any purpose without their permission.
likes 7
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The author encourages honest critique.
Hello M,
Firstly kuddos on the poem and sincere tone of this. A brave step takes one by surprise and very often reveals hidden courage. This first step is what its all about, the opening of something that is there maybe not fully bloomed though aware. I wish you strength along the way.
I also wish to let you know that this poem brought recognition. I have been on that threshold myself, At that very moment I had no idea, nor words either though now years later Im glad I crossed that threshold. It was truly like learning to walk again. But hey...THIS is your story so I will not mention more than I already have done.
all the best
blessings
Rianne
Firstly kuddos on the poem and sincere tone of this. A brave step takes one by surprise and very often reveals hidden courage. This first step is what its all about, the opening of something that is there maybe not fully bloomed though aware. I wish you strength along the way.
I also wish to let you know that this poem brought recognition. I have been on that threshold myself, At that very moment I had no idea, nor words either though now years later Im glad I crossed that threshold. It was truly like learning to walk again. But hey...THIS is your story so I will not mention more than I already have done.
all the best
blessings
Rianne
7th Jun 2024 12:37pm
This is so open and I can feel every word you spilled on the page. Fia xoxo
7th Jun 2024 1:44pm
Dear M,
This poem rings true on many levels for me. Circumstances may be different but the description of the office and the therapist…spot on.
The feelings i thought I’d conquered are all still surface level veiled with a thin skin I guess. Difficult subject. Excellent writing. H🌷
This poem rings true on many levels for me. Circumstances may be different but the description of the office and the therapist…spot on.
The feelings i thought I’d conquered are all still surface level veiled with a thin skin I guess. Difficult subject. Excellent writing. H🌷
7th Jun 2024 6:33pm
I think about the masks we wear for others & ourselves. To avoid confrontation & questions. I know for damn sure I wear them when I leave my little corner of safety. I wonder how many fine people are out there with their mask firmly in place. It's the questions that plague me. And the overflowing of words...flashed me back to my own flood.
