memories bleed to nightmares and back again

TRIGGER WARNING: reference to rape

He is still my fucking nightmare
twenty years later
takes my head  
and mind fucks me into a panic
while I remember
the neverending expanse
of his ceiling
and the way I tried
to tune out his violation
that lasted so long I lost time
in the white oblivion above me

In this flashback
my body remembers the past
while I try and navigate
and otherwise ordinary morning

Does my son notice how I flinch
when he touches me
with the innocence of a child
reaching for his mother?
He places his hand down my shirt
reaching for warm skin
a comfort after a tantrum
I can't pull his small hand away
fast enough

I cry into my coffee
hate the way my clothes feel
hate the way my skin still crawls
when all clothing is shed
I hate the way my body
and my mind betray me

I hate how I will be a monster
of reactions today

Cause it feels like everything is still happening
my mind looping through the crush and weight
and powerlessness
as I'm pace around my house
very much not in the process of being raped

And I'm counting down the hours
until my partner comes home
so he can wrap me up
in the safety of his arms
like they can shield me
from my own past
that haunts me today