bittersweet memories (Corey)

TRIGGER WARNING: Rape and sexual assault references  
   
1.    
I hated you    
from the moment I saw you    
you gave me that look    
that said you were the predator    
and I was the prey    
   
I promised myself  
I would never fuck you    
   
I was wrong    
   
2.    
Two brothers share a drunk girl  
so wasted she can't say no    
you were one brother    
I was one girl    
   
Victims aren't meant    
to go back and fuck    
the men who rape them    
but you had the drugs  
and I didn't have enough    
self respect    
or withdrawal stamina    
to go find another dealer    
   
And if I fucked you    
I didn't have to pay    
   
3.    
You loved getting me drunk    
said it was the only time I talked    
like I was a fucking wind-up doll  
and you held the magic key  
   
4.    
I let your brother's girlfriend    
smack me around    
under the guise she was    
teaching me how to fight    
   
She lost interest when she realised  
I was pathetic sport    
and the only reason    
your brother had fucked me    
was cause I was free  
when she was in prison    
before he passed me on to you    
   
I was a threat to exactly no one    
   
5.    
Heroin was your drug of choice    
made you last for hours    
I was half asleep in your bed    
you'd made it past the nods stage    
I didn't want to fuck    
but you threw me down anyway    
held me down like a rag doll  
and used my body like it didn't belong to me    
because in that moment it didn't    
   
I fought back    
but it was like wrestling a mountain    
and I was just a girl  
   
I never had a chance    
   
Afterwards    
you bear hugged me    
like you were the big spoon    
and I cried myself to sleep    
trapped by the cage    
of your body    
   
I wasn't wasted enough to    
only half remember the fuzzy details  
like the first time you'd forced    
yourself inside me    
with your brother by your side    
   
In the morning I called you a rapist    
you couldn't even look at me    
just stared into your coffee    
   
I slammed the door on my way out    
and promised myself I would    
never, ever come back    
   
I was back 5 days later    
a broken girl    
chasing a fix    
cause I wasn't ready to get clean    
and I had no where else to go  
   
6.  
I watched you fuck an underage girl    
she was 15    
you were 28  
we were both wasted    
and in your bed    
though I don't remember why    
   
She didn't call it rape    
   
I called you a pedophile    
   
7.    
I never did needles  
and I don't know if the universe    
was looking out for me that day    
or if I just had really good timing  
   
I'd rocked up at your house    
you told me you'd just shot up  
and if you'd known I was coming    
you would have saved me some    
   
You were exactly the kind    
of cunt who would have held me down    
and shot me up for kicks  
taken me into a deeper hell  
than I was already in    
   
I've never been more grateful  
for fortunate timing    
   
8.    
You found a broken navel ring    
with a blue butterfly still attached  
gave it to me    
said it made you think of me    
   
I kept it for a long time    
I don't know why    
   
9.    
I finally bailed to get clean    
took off without a word to anyone    
   
When I came back four months later    
you walked into my friend's house    
while I was pulling a bong    
(cause sobriety hadn't worked out for me)  
and you looked at me like    
you were seeing a ghost    
   
I met your girlfriend    
she was all over you    
kept going on and on    
about how you guys were soulmates    
   
10.    
Apparently in your fucked up brain    
I'd been your girlfriend    
I'd disappeared and come back    
and now this bitch was worried    
that I would want to steal you back    
   
11.    
I didn't stick around for long    
left again without saying goodbye    
   
Sometimes wonder about you    
if you're alive  
if you're dead    
if you went back to prison    
if you fucking overdosed    
   
12.    
You were my own personal    
Stockholm Syndrome    
   
Even now I don't know why    
I can't completely hate you